In My Veins
by cecilyedandme
Summary: Two years have passed since Jesse left Rachel alone for Nationals and disappeared to college without another word. When he returns home for a visit he finds nobody else than his former female lead on his couch, chatting with his brother like nothing had changed. *Drama/Hurt/Comfort/Romance
1. Chapter One

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter One  
_

I wished I could say I had some kind of déjà-vu when the door opened and Jesse entered the house with a girl on his lips. But the truth was that I couldn't. It had been two years since he left for college without a word or a message that could explain his sudden disappearance. I had never seen him leave. Since then I had always intented to be anywhere but this house when he returned for a visit. He closed the door behind and threw his jacket aside without seperating from the girl.

The boy next to me said something but I was too occupied watching the scene in the hallway. I knew the girl. She was a friend. Isaac touched my shoulder and I gave him a small smile. He was my best friend. But unfortunately he was Jesse's little brother too.

I remember when my dads and me moved to this neighborhood. I was not older than five but I immediately befriended the neighbors next door. I started to share every class with Isaac and it had never changed. We were seniors now and graduation was just around the corner. Only a few months left until I was hopefully moving to New York attending college and auditioning for my first Broadway show.

Jesse was a whole other story. At the beginning it didn't seem like he was very fond on mebut he was literally pressured into spending time with me since he had to keep an eye on his brother. It wasn't until Isaac and me were staring in our first school play when things changed. We were becoming something like a trio that always did everything together. Jesse was two years older but his relationship with Isaac was close. They shared the same interests and Jesse was Isaacs role model. They were inseperable. And I started to enjoy spending time with both of them.

I never fully understood what had changed until I started High School. At the time I auditioned for show choir Jesse had already leaded them to two National titles. I was still a Freshman but the coach was so impressed of my voice that she gave me a chance as female lead. We won Sectionals together and the thing was decided.

Jesse dragged the girl in the living room when he noticed us on the coach. He stopped. He stopped and stared. Isaac was raising an amused brow at him but he only stared. At me.

I hadn't seem him in two years but I would be lying if I said nothing shifted in me. He looked gorgeous. I noticed the abs under his white shirt and stared for a moment until I got back to my senses. His curls had grown and a strand was falling into his beautiful face. His blue eyes were boring into mine and I struggled to look away.

I wished I could say that Jesse and Isaac didn't resemble each other. But that would be another lie. Most of the times when I looked into Isaac's eyes something in me always got reminded of the older brother. Same with the hair. But while Isaac was nearly six feet two Jesse only reached five feet eleven. It was almost ironic considering their age difference.

Jesse clenched his jaw and I remembered something important. They didn't resemble each other. They looked like brothers but while Isaac was my best friend, Jesse had turned into a stranger.

The girl next to him furrowed her brows and coughed.

"I think you should leave," Jesse said coldly.

I had to smile. The way he was looking at me in this moment was something I couldn't explain. Something strong and powerful that was giving me the confirmation that he would always have a problem with me being around. I had successfully avoided this situation before but his visit was unheralded.

The girl put her hands in her hips and raised an unamused brow at him. "Excuse me?"

He didn't react. He continued to stare at me until I laughed. Isaac furrowed his brows at my reaction and looked back and forth between his brother and me.

I rose to my feet and nodded at him.

"He wasn't talking to you Santana."

For a brief moment there was something like surprise in Jesse's eyes and I allowed myself to enjoy the little victory. I didn't want to be around him either but he had no right to throw me out. Isaac was my best friend and I had the right to spend my time at his house. Now I at least knew that I had spoiled every plans that he had made for Santana and him when I grabbed my bag. It was payback. I gave Isaac a small kiss on his cheek and winked at Santana before I closed the door behind.

My chest tightened. I was leaning at the wall and taking a deep breath. I felt the heat in my eyes and I knew that tears started to form behind my eyelids.

"Could you explain me why this was necessary?"

I smiled small. I should have known that Isaac was going to back me up in all of his glorious height. I wiped the liquid away before it was able to leave my eyes. I was not going to cry.

I imagined how Isaac was standing in front of his brother looking down on him and suppressed a giggle. I knew that it bothered Jesse that Isaac had grown so tall. He had never liked it to look up to someone.

I didn't understand the rest of their conversation. I considered it possible that Jesse didn't even make an effort to explain his decision. A door slammed shut.

Santana was saying something in a seductive low voice that made me leave the terrace. I was walking to my car in a hurry and started the engine when Santana followed a moment later. The look on her face was both confused and full of anger. I sighed. I pressed a button in my car and the window opened. She threw her hands in the air. "What was _that_?"

I looked at the latina and shrugged. She raised a brow.

"Do you need a ride?" I asked.

She exhaled and walked around the car. A moment later she was sitting on the passenger seat next to me. I waited until she fastened her seat belt and I was finally able to drive away from my obviously unresolved feelings for him.

* * *

**April 18, 2015.**


	2. Chapter Two

**In My Veins  
**

* * *

_Chapter Two  
_

I didn't want to look at my best friend.

After Jesse had returned on Friday I had successfully been able to isolate myself from any contact to the outside world. I had moped in my bedroom watching funny movies that I tried using to cheer me up again but it hadn't worked. Ice cream hadn't worked. Nothing had worked.

I had ended up staring at some old picture frames in my bedroom and my mood had only worsened. The glass of one of the frames had broken as I had thrown it against a wall. I had been shaken awake when I had heard the glass fragmenting.

I had taken a box out of the basement and cleaned my room. It was the moment I had been done with my room when I had realized my anger was gone and I could breath again.

Now that I was sitting in school my thoughts went back to Friday again. Isaac was sitting next to me at lunch and he was trying to get me to talk. But I didn't want to talk about Friday and his stupid brother. I loved Isaac like a brother but I just couldn't explain him Jesse's weird behavior. I couldn't even explain it myself.

I just wanted Jesse to disappear to Los Angeles again. He was rarely visiting Isaac in Akron and mostly just over the weekend and now Isaac was telling me that he was staying longer. My heart dropped. I didn't want this. I wanted him out of my life again. Leaving again like he had done it so sudden two years ago.

I raised my view to Isaac and noticed his worried look.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I furrowed my brows. "What there's to talk about?"

Isaac sighed. "It wasn't fair from him to throw you out like that. I know he is living there, too, but you are my best friend. He has no right to tell you to leave just because he has a problem with your presence when he brings his sex-date home."

I chuckled. "Especially not when he throws her out too and I'm the one to drive her home. You can tell him that I expect a thank-you letter."

Isaac laughed and I smiled. I knew he was rarely acting this lighthearted and that Jesse was responsible for it every time he visited. But even through I liked seeing Isaac like this my heart ached because I didn't understand why it was so easy for them and so complicated with Jesse and me. We had grown up together. We had done everything together. We had won everything together and I had been so naiv to think that he had really liked me- cared for me.

It had taken me some time to realize that Jesse was the person he was and that he couldn't change. I understood that we had suddenly become so close because we were connected through our ambitions and dreams. There had been a reason why I had become female lead this young. Jesse and I had been doing great music together and sometimes I had thought that it had developed into more. We started talking about our future, New York and Broadway and I had become the stupid, naiv little girl that had fallen in love with the inapproachably beautiful and talented boy that he had become over the years. I had been a fool.

I was old enough to admit that I really started loving this boy for everything he was. And then, one day before he left, he thanked me. I remember staring at him questioningly and the way he gazed down to me and my heart had stopped. His cold eyes had made me freeze. And then he had told me that our relationship- our alleged friendship had been the best preparation he could have ever wished for. That I had turned out to be his best act ever.

We had never been friends. I hadn't turned out to be anything more than an acting exercise. It had broken my heart. And then he had left. And it was the best thing he could have ever done for me.

I grew closer with Isaac again and Vocal Adrenaline was only under my leadership. After Jesse had left I had been able to lead them to two more National titles. The third was going to follow soon.

It had made me stronger. _He_ had made me stronger.

And if I was honest with myself I just couldn't hate him for what he had done. He had just opened my eyes.

"Are we going to watch a movie later? I will come over after training if that's okay?" Isaac asked.

I nodded. We were nearly watching a movie every day and I was looking forward to it. I stared into Isaac's face and smiled sadly. He was such a great guy. I wished I was able to love him the way I had loved his older brother. I wanted to be with him but in the same moment I knew he was just going to be the rebound for his brother. And I loved Isaac too much to do such a thing. I wanted that he found a girl that cared and loved him as much as I had loved Jesse before realization had hit me.

My thoughts wouldn't let go of me during the next hour. I was sitting in one of my favorite classes but I just couldn't concentrate on anything but Jesse. I had been absolutely fine in these two years but for him it took only one conversation to turn me into a mess again.

While I drove back home again I made the decision to end this. I couldn't need the distraction that Jesse was causing. I had colleges to apply to and Nationals to prepare for. I just needed a clean break.

I parked my car in front of the house and pulled out my bunch of keys. I walked up the stairs to the terrace and opened the door. I scanned the surroundings but the house was empty. I made my way up to the first floor and walked through the empty hallway. I opened the door on the end of it and entered the room determined.

He wasn't there. A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I sat down on his bed. I took a look through his room and noticed that time had practically stopped. There were the same frames hanging on his walls filled with memories that I had just stuffed into a box and hidden in my closet.

I laughed dryly. I saw pictures of the brothers and me and recognized more than one with just us. He was smiling down at me as we held our first Sectionals trophy together and it made me sick.

I wondered if he was so impressed with his brilliant performance that he needed these photographs as a memory.

I noticed his intruing smell that was clining to his bed linen.

And then I knew that going up here was everything that I had needed. I didn't need a clarifying talk that was definitely not going to turn things good between us.

It was time to get home again. I needed to prepare for me and Isaac's movie night. There was popcorn to make and drinks to cool in the fridge.

I got up from Jesse's bed and walked over to his door, the knob in my hand. I took a last look through the familiar room and smiled because I knew that I was finally able to move on- that I already had moved on after he had broken my heart and left me back here alone.

I opened the door in one swift move and smiled brightly until I stared into no other eyes than Jesse's.

* * *

**April 18, 2015.**


	3. Chapter Three

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Three_**  
**

The sudden encounter surprised me and I jumped. He was staring down to me and his face read something like disbelief. He took a look in his room and clicked his tongue.

I was still too shocked to say something. In this moment I just wanted to disappear into the ground. It had been pure luck that he hadn't been in his room and as I noticed his barely clothed body I understood why. He had just taken a shower. He was standing in front of me smelling all fresh and intruiging and I just couldn't stop staring at his bare chest. How much I hated myself in this moment...

I nodded slowly while I imagined my face reading something between surprise and embarassment. This wasn't the clean break I had imagined just a moment ago.

I tried to peek behind him searching for the best escape route but he blocked my way without any effort. For a moment I thought of locking myself in his room and fleeing out of his window until I realized how ridiculous that sounded. I would have never been able to do it myself without hurting me.

I lifted my head confidently and smiled at him.

"You are blocking my way," I explained, motioning that he needed to step aside.

"So are you."

I started nodding again. Right now we were caught in a stand-off and I didn't know how to get out of this house without explaining, which I was not going to do. He seemed to wait for it, though, because he was raising a demanding brow at me. I decided to take a look at the curtains and titled my head. They looked different.

He cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes but I was just frozen. My mind was trying to think of a way to circumvent _this_ but I understood that I had crossed a line with entering his room. I had broken into his privacy and there was just one thing left I could do: play dumb.

I slapped a hand on my forehand. "This isn't Isaac's room!"

He gave me a weak smile but I just continued my attempt to convince him that I hadn't just walked out of his room.

"You know I haven't been up here lately and I must have confused rooms."

I noticed his jaw clenching and to my confession it was one of the sexiest things I had ever seen. Something in my head clicked. I closed my eyes almost painfully understanding what my mind had been drifting to again.

I had thought that I had successfully managed to get over him but now he was standing close enough for my brain to... snap. I wasn't thinking straight anymore and I knew I couldn't get out of this situation without telling Jesse nothing. _He_ was the better actor after all.

I sighed in defeat and rolled my eyes. "Okay. You've got me."

He hummed an agreement and to me it seemed like one corner of his mouth was almost turning up a little. I blinked. I had to imagine things.

I took a deep breath and went to explain. "You know, after Friday I thought of apologizing because I interrupted your date so _unfriendly_..."

At the end of the sentence my voice was dripping with sarcasm. I blinked again. _I_ hadn't interrupted _his_ date unfriendly. He had just walked into the house without any announcement- which was reasonable because _he_ was living here- and had thrown _me_ out. _Unfriendly_. If I had wanted to take revenge and set fire to his bed I didn't need to explain myself to him because I had started my movie date with Isaac long before he had busted though the front door with Santana on his lips.

I put my hands into my hips and stared at him with challenge in my eyes. He simply retorted the gesture mockingly. My right hand turned into a fist and I was ready to punch him if he wasn't ready to step away soon.

I looked into his face and knew that I had lost. A wet strand of hair started to drip water on the floor and a small puddle started to form between our feet. I watched it for a few seconds and closed my eyes.

My major problem was that I wanted- needed to get out of this situation without taking a defeat. I could deal with the fact that I had fooled myself thinking that I just could get over Jesse like this. But I just could not _not_ begrudge him this victory above me. I couldn't let him take this power so easily.

I exhaled quietly and looked into his blue eyes again.

"I thought of helping Santana and hiding her under your bed." I shrugged lightly. "Now it isn't a surpise anymore but you just didn't want to let me go..."

"You expect me to believe that you were hiding someone under my bed?"

"You should probably clean it up there. We found a few socks..." I nodded nonchalantly. He blinked for a moment and I saw it as my chance to expand my story. Where there really socks under his bed? "Can't really blame me for helping a friend out," I continued with a whistle.

"We aren't friends."

"I wasn't talking about you, _hotshot_."

I was really getting annoyed with him. He was always taking things personal that could never been related to someone like him. I knew from experience that he was a great brother but this already closured the list of his good character traits. The lyrics of a song I've recently started hearing in the radio suddenly plopped into my mind.

_Don't do love  
Don't do friends  
I'm only after success..._

I stared at him wide eyed and started seeing him through different eyes. I had known that he would walk over dead bodies to get what he wanted. But in this moment? I just realized how cruelessly he had really become. It wasn't only the way he had treaten me two years ago... He had changed so much and I wanted to cry.

Something horrible must have been happened since that time he left me alone for Nationals. Something so ground breaking wrong that he had done all those horrible things. For a moment he shifted uncomfortable and there was something mournful in his eyes that I just couldn't understand.

I heard a door shutting close and knew that Isaac came home.

Jesse was raising a brow at me and waited for my next move. I gave him a look filled with pity and a deep line started to form between his eyes but I just pushed myself aside and made my way down the stairs. I reached for the doorknob when I heard his voice.

"Your affection for the male sex of our family is pathetic. It disgusts me."

* * *

**April 20, 2015.  
**  
_Marina and The Diamonds "Oh No!"**  
**_


	4. Chapter Four

**A/N: **_Dear E, in chapter one Rachel walked to her car because she needed some space and didn't know if her dads were home. _  
_In chapter three Rachel drove home from school and parked her car somewhere between her and the St. James' house.  
Hope that explains it ;)_

* * *

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Four  
_

I had been standing frozen at the front door with the knob already in my hand. When Jesse had said those horrible words I had known that I had done an awful work at hiding my feelings for him. I had thought that he hadn't known my secret but I should have known better. He knew how he affected women and I surely wouldn't have made an exception to him.

After I had digested the first shock I had been slowly turning around afraid about what I was going to see when I looked into his face. But he was already gone. He had disappeared into his room without waiting for my reaction and I let out a breath that I hadn't known to be holding.

I hadn't been able to concentrate on the movie I had watched with Isaac afterwards and if I thought about it longer I couldn't even recall its name.

Rehearsal were a good distraction. The week passed without any other occurences and once again I decided to stay away from Jesse.

I cancelled more than one movie night with Isaac telling him I wasn't feeling well. And it wasn't a lie. I wasn't feeling well.

Jesse had known my feelings for him and to me it only made things worse. Not because he had broken my heart as a friend but with the knowledge that I was feeling more for him. I knew I could handle this, too, knowing that Jesse was born to play a role like this and that I would have admired his act if I hadn't been involved in it. But I couldn't forgive myself. These two years I had really thought that he hadn't know the true impact of his action because we had supposedly just been friends...

Deep down in my heart I made the decision not to make my feelings so obvious anymore.

In the following month I became colder. When I looked into the mirror I couldn't recognize myself anymore because of the hard mask I was wearing on my face. I became mean. The way I had helpfully been critizing the other members of Vocal Adrenaline had turned into something mean and ugly. I noticed the almost horrific looks on my teammates faces without thinking about it twice. Winning Nationals had became such an important thing that I started investing all my power in it and I expected the rest of the team to do the same. I started screaming when I noticed that they wouldn't do what I wanted and I left the rehearsal more than once without finishing it.

My dads had noticed my changing behavior but I always interrupted any attempt they made to talk with me before I said something wrong. They had watched my heartbreak two years ago and I knew they were suspecting Jesse's involvement in this. Shelby had tried to talk to me, too, but she was owing me the space she had so willingly giving me the first fifteen years of my life.

I just stopped talking. My friends noticed the unknown experience but they seemed to enjoy it. Nobody asked what was really going on and nobody seemed to be interested either. I shrugged it off.

Jesse had already turned me into reflection of himself. And it bothered me. It bothered me to a point where I was crying under the shower and starring in the mirror with disgust. I was giving myself the same look Jesse had been giving me when he had come home that day.

I lost more than a few pounds and became a shadow of myself. I skipped school. And then I was thrown back into reality. I noticed my sliding grades. The looks people were giving or not giving me because they were suddenly afraid that I was going to lose it.

I knew that I had found my way back home.

I made my way over to the neighbor's house and knocked on the door.

Isaac opened it a moment later and for the first time I really allowed myself to burst out crying.

* * *

**April 21, 2015.**


	5. Chapter Five

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Five_

I was back on the right track again. Everyone around me noticed the difference and I could see the relief my teammates wore on their faces. Everything turned back to normal again and I could take more than one look into the mirror again without staring at my reflection with disgust.

I owed Isaac a lot. He had helped me to pick up the pieces without wanting an explanation. He had just been there- simply like the best friend I hadn't been able to be during this time. I didn't know how I could ever pay this debt.

I started with spending more time with him. My relationship with his brother- or whatever it had turned out to be in the end- was nothing that I was going to let influence our friendship ever again. Jesse had made me learn my lesson more than once.

Isaac started to split his time between Jesse and me evenly. When we spent time together and Jesse showed up I always felt like a divorced parent and it made me laugh. Jesse only squinted his eyes together and disappeared upstairs without looking at me twice. I could breath again when we happened to be in the same room and there was something in my chest that made me believe that one day we could possibly talk like civilized people again. Not tomorrow and not in a month, but maybe in a year, or two? I tried not to think about it and most of the time it worked. But some part of me was still wondering what had driven him so far away from- _what- _the false person he had been before? I didn't know. And I didn't have the time to find out if I didn't want to get caught up in an emotional roller coaster again. My NYADA audition was tomorrow and I had more important things to think of. Our pathes were going to cross again someday but for now everything was as fine as it could have been.

I was leaning at the door frame watching Isaac at the fridge. He cursed and turned around apologizing that there wasn't any vegan food left and that he was leaving me alone driving quickly to the supermarket to buy some food. I had a small smile on my lips as I waved his offer aside but he grabbed his key and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek before disappearing through the front door.

I pulled a curtain aside and watched him driving off. I turned around again and observed the living room. There was nothing that wasn't familiar to me and I realized some things never changed. I took a closer look at the desk in the corner of the room and smiled. My fingers were wandering over the letters we had graved into the table as little kids.

_J – R – I_

It made me think of happier times again. Times where feelings hadn't started developing- where a real friendship had been excisting- where nobody had needed to have doubts about anything. Times where everything had been so simple and happy... My eyes started wartering up at these wonderful and yet tragic memories.

"Melancholic, much?"

I cringed. I hadn't noticed that Jesse had walked down the stairs- too lost in memories- althought the staircase was still creaking like ten years ago and I was surprised that he made the move to talk to me.

I brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and gave him a melancholic smile. "Seems like it."

He was leaning at the front door and watching me with crossed arms over his chest. He looked good. Relieved. Like a heavy weight had been pulled off his shoulders.

"So you're spending time with my brother again," he stated. I wondered if somewhere was laying a question below but we both knew the answer to that.

I shrugged and he gave a small nod.

I waited for an inappopriate comment but it never came. He just watched me from the door, a battle fighting in his eyes.

"So how's college?" I asked. "How many musical productions have we missed that you were starring in? As male lead, of course."

He furrowed his brows and stared intensifying at me.

I laughed. "What?"

He shook his head and laughed dryly. "I would never have expected something like that from you... Although you have made your own experience and I should have known it better. Seems like treating you the way I did really left a mark."

My hand turned into a fist. "What are you talking about?"

He was talking a step into the room, then two. I suddenly felt the need to move backwards but I was already standing in the corner, the desk in my back.

"I haven't sung in years, Rachel."

I was staring at him in disbelief. The expression on his face looked so honest that I didn't know whether to believe him or not. The experience that Jesse had just referred to told me no but there was something in his eyes that made him look innocent and young- a look of real hurt crossing his features that made me question my doubt.

He was now standing right in front of me, only a step away and I stared into his dark blue eyes questioningly.

I didn't understand this. If he hadn't been at UCLA for the last two years studying _Performing Arts_ like he had told me- than what had he been doing? What had happened to his scholarship? What was he doing now? I understood nothing anymore. I missed Jesse's confusion as a deep frown appeared on my face.

I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't imagine that he had waisted his talent. That he wasn't doing what he was supposed to do. I knew the plans we had made _together_ had only been an illusion but they still mattered for both of us. These dreams we had been talking about years ago... they still had to exist, didn't they?

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged slightly. "I heard that you leaded Vocal Adrenaline to two more National titles. Must have been pretty hard all by yourself."

"I wasn't alone. Isaac has been your replacement ever since and you know that."

Jesse clenched his jaw for a moment before chuckling quietly. He stared into my eyes sending shivers down my spine. "Oh, I know."

My eyes locked with his and his gaze darkened.

"You have no right-" I tried, but then I felt my breath hitch at the sudden connection with his body as he moved forward and crashed his lips against mine. He lifted me on the desk and pulled my leg around his back in a swift move. His hands were moving up and down my body and a moan escaped my mouth. In that moment I forgot everthing around me. My hands were wandering under his shirt and I could feel his tones chest under my fingers. His heart was pounding fast and I felt like I would explode any moment. Every connection with his skin wasn't enough and I took his shirt off, throwing it to the ground without thinking about it at all. My insticts took over and made me wrap my other leg around him.

Jesse was grabbing my butt and lifted me up without any effort. I felt my back slamming into the next wall. I was pressing my legs tighter around his back trying to get him even closer as he was kissing my lips, my throat and my eyes rolled back in pleasure. I started pulling at his locks before he interwined our fingers and all I could feel was his body against mine. I could feel his hot breath against my ear as he whispered things I couldn't understand. Jesse's tongue slid in my mouth and I moaned again. He was kissing me with enough force to take the breath out of my lungs. I've never felt anything similar and I wanted him with every little fibre of my body. I felt a hand moving up my leg and my body reacted even stronger than before. I felt my blood vibrating under my skin and pulled at his lip when I heard a door slam.

Jesse stopped immediantely. He stared at me in shock before he grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. His lips were swollen and his eyes wide as he watched me sliding down the wall. He was breathing heavingly before he took a step back and disappeared upstairs before the front door opened and Isaac entered the house with a bag in his hand.

He watched me on the wall and furrowed his brows before shaking his head and walking into the kitchen.

I touched my lips carefully and leaned my head on the wall.

* * *

**April 25, 2015.  
**


	6. Chapter Six

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Six_

I was leaning on the wall still trying to progress what had just happened at exactly this wall only a moment ago. Every last nerve in my body was tickling and it needed to stop. I heard Isaac in the kitchen placing the food he had bought into the fridge. I got up in hurry, walking over to him as he started cooking.

"I'll be right back," I told him and he nodded.

I walked to the front door and opened it before closing it again a moment later. I peaked into the kitchen but Isaac was thankfully being kept busy with making dinner. I scurried through the hallway without making a sound and always attentive that he wasn't noticing me as I climbed up the stairs to the upper floor. I let out a sigh of relief before hurrying to Jesse's bedroom and walking in without knocking.

He was reading in a book concentrated wearing glasses with a bulky frame that I had never seen him in and for a moment I thought my eyes were playing me. He looked as cool as a cucumber and I blinked. I questioned the reliability of my memory when he looked up and his eyes darkened.

"You."

"Yeah, me." I titled my head and narrowed my eyes. "Your lip is bleeding."

I closed the door in silence. Jesse only reacted for a second, his right hand touching his lip and wiping the blood away. He seemed to realize that I wasn't going to leave the room and put a book mark in his lecture. He laid it on his nightstand, taking a deep breath. "Look-"

"What did you mean with you haven't sung in years, Jesse?"

His face read confusion. "What?"

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. If he had really thought that I came up here to talk about his obvious brain failure he had thought wrong. I knew that his mind had snapped and that he- _we_ had made a big mistake and I didn't need to point that out. It had only been a matter of time before one of us had been going to kill or kiss the other with so much tension between us.

"Are you even attending college?" I asked harshly.

His mouth dropped slightly open and he stared at me blinking.

"Are you going to answer or are you just going to stare at me like a fish?"

The corner of his mouth twitched but then his face was as cold as before again.

"Isn't my brother waiting for you?" He spit.

I clenched my teeth. "Are you going to avoid answering me much longer?" I started tapping my foot on the floor impatiently.

He sighed. "You know nothing, okay? And I don't need explaining myself to you. You should just leave, Rachel."

I was close telling him that he needed to explain because he had just vented his frustration on me but I just stepped up to him slapping him in the face. His hand wandered to his cheek as he watched me bewildered.

"What happened to inevitable, huh? What had turned you into a monster like this?"

He clenched his jaw and remained silent. I laughed dryly.

Tears started to form in my eyes as I stared at him. I wanted the old Jesse back. That Jesse singing, winning and doing great music together with me. But the boy in front of me neither was the boy I used to know before nor that mean and cruel guy that I had thought he had turned into. That boy in front of me was only a deeply hurt person that I didn't recognize anymore. I had never seen him like that. And I desperately wanted to hug that boy in front of me telling him everything was going to be fine again. I just wanted the old Jesse back. The one that I'd been happy with. The one that he had been happier with.

"Fine!" I shook my head and walked past him opening his window.

"What are you doing?"

I sent him a glare. "I'm going to jump out of your window," I reliped with sarcasm in my voice.

He crossed his arms over his chest and his lips turned into a small smile. "Really?"

I heaved myself on the windowsill and gave him another dirty look. "Are you going to help me or not?"

He clicked his tongue and sighed. He turned around grabbing my arm and shaking his head at the familiar situation. I was reaching for the downpipe while he stabilized my back. I winced at the feeling of his fingers on my body. My hands were now clasping the pipe and I was giving Jesse an sign to lose his hold. But he was still holding onto me.

When I turned my head around to him he gave me a sad smile. "I haven't sung since that Regionals competition with you, Rachel."

He pulled his hands back and closed the window. I saw the curtains moving and stared at the window in confusion before successfully managing to climb down the pipe and touching the ground of the garden with my feet.

I didn't waste any time in pulling my phone out and hitting speed dial. I heard the line ringing and waited until the familar voice picked it up. "Hello?"

"Could you please tell me what happened with Jesse?"

There was a short pause before we agreed on meeting later this evening. I ended the call and stared at the window above before tiptoeing around the house and walking through the front door a moment later.

The scent of Isaac's delicious and famous self made vegan lasagna made my mouth water. I entered the kitchen with a smile on my face and enjoyed having dinner with my best friend.

* * *

_My iPod was on shuffle and bam- Jonathan Groff was filling my ears with his sexy voice singing Madonna's _Burning Up_..._  
_followed by season two cast performing Justin Bieber's _Somebody To Love_._

_My iPod just knows what to play when I write ;_)

**April 26, 2015.**


	7. Chapter Seven

A/N: Have I already told you how awesome you are? Thanks to everyone who favorited, followed and most importantly to me, reviewed. It's the emails I get after uploading a new chapter that make my day especially if I get to read your thoughts :)

PS: Do you think I should change Drama into Comfort/Hurt? Because Rachel is getting to me on such an emotional level I'd like to tear my hair.

* * *

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Seven_

I was watching the numbers on my alarm and turned it off before it started ringing. After tossing and turning in bed for hours I had come to the acceptance that sleep just wasn't in it after the things I'd been told.

I had met Andrea Cohen later last evening and we had decided to walk into the next coffee shop in order to talk. I was thankful that Andrea had once again decided to come home for springbreak. She was Jesse's age and they had been close friends at Carmel and I had just known that she was the one I needed to talk to.

_The waitress didn't even get the chance to place our coffees on the table before I started firing question at the dark haired girl._

"_Whoa- calm down, Rachel. One question after the other, okay?"_

_I sighed. I didn't really know where to start and I had made a whole list with questions regarding the unresolved matter called Jesse St. James. I was unfolding the paper and Andrea shot me a disbelieving look.__ I grinned and took a look at it. I was watching the questions and there was only one that could be started with- that would possibly explain everything else that had happened later. A question that I had asked Jesse myself but that he had bluntly ignored to answer. "What happened to college?"_

"_He needed to take a break."_

"_So he still performs?"_

_I was nearly letting out sigh of relief when I saw the look on Andrea's face. Her expression looked loyal but torn and her eyes struggled before she decided to give in._

"_Jesse told you that he hasn't performed in years, Rachel. He didn't make that up. It's the truth."_

_I stared at the girl unwillingly to believe the truth. If he was still attending college and only taking a break it made no sense to me that he hadn't been on stage at all. I was going to point out that there wasn't any purpose attending performing classes when he didn't even end up performing but I just heard me saying something else. "You two talked after my call."_

_She nodded apologetically. "I just needed to know what you knew. And it's nothing. If I had known that he shut you out like this before I would have talked with you sooner but I had no idea. He was acting like nothing had changed but I should have noticed it. As soon as he left Ohio and started college he was always wearing that depressed look on his face when he thought nobody was watching. He hates Los Angeles, Rachel. And he hates having to attend classes that he doesn't even want to get up for."_

_I was letting her words sink in but I still didn't understand any of it. If he really hated it so much why did he feel the responsibility to continue? And why did he feel like this at all? Hadn't UCLA been one of the best choices he could have made? Did he still want to make it to Broadway at all? I felt my body shivering and a sob was leaving my mouth when the first tear started rolling down my cheek._

"_I- I had no idea. He never told me that he hated it that much and I never expected him wanting something else than Broadway..."_

_Andrea laughed dryly. "That's the problem, Rachel. Broadway is the only thing he ever wanted." She threw another glance at me and continued. "He never started majoring in Performing Arts, Rachel. He is a law student."_

I blinked. The information that Andrea had shared with me was still lingering in my mind like the day before. I couldn't believe what had happened around Regionals and I just didn't want to believe that my best friend had decided to keep me in the dark.

I got up and walked to my wardrobe quickly deciding what to wear for my audition. I chose a simple black dress with a matching belt around my waist. I took a shower before dressing and grabbed myself a bite on my way to school but I just couldn't forget Andrea's words during my ride.

I clenched my hands around the steering wheel and as I noticed my white knuckles I moved my right hand to the media player turning up the volume, singing to the soundtrack of _Funny Girl_.

Venting my wrath into something useful had always been helpful. Listening and singing along to Barbra Streisand and preparing for my NYADA audition again was the best thing I could do at this moment. I couldn't afford wasting time at these thoughts when my future was waiting for me less than a mile away.

When I finally drove on the parking lot my mind was clear again. I walked through the familiar hallways and took a right before taking a peak in the auditorium. A woman was talking with Shelby and I recognized her as Carmen Tibideaux. For a moment I was surprised that the dean was watching the auditions but it made sense because she eventually made the decision which student got accepted into NYADA.

I closed the door of the auditorium again and made my way backstage. I knew that warming up my voice wasn't neccessary anymore after doing it in the car but I didn't know what to do else.

"Millions of moments have led up to this moment. All you have to do is just be yourself... because you're a star."

I watched myself in the mirror and nodded confidently.

"Rachel Berry"

I followed the dean's voice and walked on stage calmly.

"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry and I'll be singing _Don't Rain On My Parade_ from my favorite musical _Funny Girl_."

The dean gave a short nod and the music started playing.

**Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter  
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.  
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!**

It was unfair. If I had known that Mrs. St. James was sick I wouldn't have made the decision to let Jesse exclude me from his life like he did. I would have been there for him the way I should have been after his mother pleaded him to get on his father's good graces again. She didn't want her sons to live without any support if the therapy wasn't going to take effect. I couldn't even imagine how difficult his decision must have been but Jesse had always played the part of the responsible big brother and he loved his mother too much to decline her request before trying. I knew that his relationship with his father was more than difficult but I could have never imagined that he would have been able to force him into something like becoming a lawyer like himself.

**Don't tell me not to fly- I've simply got to.  
Life's candy and the sun's a-**

I blinked. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. Please, let me just start over one more time. I'm sorry." I turned around to the band. "Please just start over again one more time."

**Don't tell me not to live  
Just sit and putter**

But why had Isaac acted like this? Why did he ask Jesse to keep me out of this? And why had he even agreed to this? Even if he had only acted around me pretending that we were friends he should have known that I would have always be there for him. It just wasn't fair. Jesse had given up his dreams and Isaac was going to get a scholarship for a performing arts college. I didn't notice that my voice had started speeding up when I noticed my second mistake.

**Life's candy and the size a-**

I knew that I had choked. Badly. Shelby was giving me a dismissive look but I decided to miss any further humiliation because Ms. Tibideaux had already started grabbing her things together. She walked past Shelby without saying goodbye and out of the auditorium a moment later.

I couldn't even remember what Shelby had said when I was on my way back home again. I felt numb. Empty. New York had been my dream.

I walked into my house and settled onto the couch. I stared at the wall. I stared and stared.

I felt nothing. My whole body was numb and I couldn't even bring myself to cry. I didn't want to. I didn't earn to wallow in self-pity because I had choked. I knew I was never going to forgive myself.

The ringing of the door bell distracted me. I ignored it and continued to stare at the wall. It rang again, once, twice and then I walked to the front door tearing it open ready to tell whoever to leave me alone but to my surprise it was someone that I would have never expected at my door. Jesse.

* * *

_Happy Birthday, N.L. :)  
_

**April 28, 2015.  
**


	8. Chapter Eight

_Happy Mother's Day :)_

* * *

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Eight  
_

My mind was blank. I recognized Jesse's face but my mind continued to be blank and I didn't react at his sudden appearance in front of the door. He just stood there- seeming a little unsure of what he was doing here, his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans.

There was a little part in my brain that started wondering but it was soon displaced by the feeling of having tasted defeat again. So I just stared at him.

Jesse watched my face carefully. "Is everything okay with you?"

"Can I help you?"

He furrowed his brows but nodded. "I wanted to talk. I know—" He went to explain but I just went inside the house again leaving the door open. He followed two moments later.

I noticed the confusion on his face but I chose to ignore it. My view was directed at the wall again. He cleared his throat uneasily. "Yeah, about that—"

"It doesn't matter," I replied honestly. "If that's the reason why you came here you can save yourself the effort."

He nodded slowly. "I know that you called Andrea."

I turned my head around to him and my lips turned up into a lazy smile. "Yes."

"I want you to stay out of my business."

I smiled sadly. "I think it's already too late for this," I whispered.

"What do you mean?"

My head shot around and I glared at him. "Did you really think you could hide this from me? You know how much I adore your mom. She has always been there for me and then you decide to agree on Isaac's stupid idea to not tell me? I mean how stupid is that? Even for your standards…" He visibly tensed. "Did you even know that Shelby is my biological mother?"

"I heard of it." His voice was small and even though I couldn't believe it he sounded uncomfortable for the right reasons. He felt guilty.

I laughed dryly. His blue eyes met mine and I only shook my head. "And the funny thing is: it isn't even this part that is bothering me most. And I guarantee you that Isaac is not going to get away with this because I really can't believe that he would to this to me. But the one thing that I just can't look past is that you actually let yourself get manipulated by your so called father…"

"That's none of your business."

I threw my hands up exaggerating. "You are repeating yourself."

He clenched his jaw. "And you are still not appreciating it."

I narrowed my eyes at him. His eyes darkened and they were boring into mine like they could shut me up. But they couldn't. It was time to confront him with the wrong decisions he had made to open his eyes. Maybe it was too late for me but he deserved a second chance.

I got up and walked over to the sideboard reaching for a frame. Jesse and I were standing between his mother and my dads smiling brightly into the camera after winning Nationals three years ago. We looked happy. My fingers were following the lines of his face and I sighed.

"I know you think you did all these things because of the right reason." I turned around giving him a sad smile. "But your mom surely wouldn't have wanted you to be unhappy. This isn't you, Jesse."

"Who says I'm not happy?"

"Me."

His face fell. It only took a moment for him to rebuild the nonchalant look on his face but I knew something had changed.

I didn't make the decision to get him back on the right track again intentionally but I knew that I would do everything in my power to help him.

I walked over to him, thrusting the frame into his hand. "It's not too late for all of this," I said motioning to the picture, unknowingly to all the potential meanings behind it.

His view drifted to his old self and I knew that he suppressed any visible reaction. He was proud and strong but he wasn't somebody to admit a mistake. He was too headstrong but his body language proofed him wrong.

Someone knocked on the front door.

"I think it's your turn to leave now," I said almost jokingly.

He was watching my face for another moment and nodded. I knew he wouldn't bring himself to thank me or even apologize but the look in his eyes was enough. I smiled small.

I was walking to the front door and opening it, giving Jesse another moment alone.

"I'm so so sorry, Rachel."

The door wasn't even opened ajar when Isaac burst through the door embracing me for a comforting hug. He stroked my hair and my eyes widened. He knew what had happened at my audition. I swallowed.

"It's okay, Isaac…" I said patting his shoulder.

He cupped my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes. "It's not, okay? I know how much this audition meant to you and I can't even imagine what could have distracted you like that. But you're better than that, Rachel. I know you will convince Ms. Tibideaux to give you a second chance. And then you will proof her wrong for leaving. You will get to NYADA, okay? I know how you are and there isn't a single thing that is going to stop you." He took a deep breath. "I'm always here to support you," he said in the most serious way. I nodded with a tear in my eye annd then, without any warning, he pressed his lips onto mine.

I froze. The kiss was sweet and soft but alarms started ringing in my head trying to warn me that something was going horrible wrong. The kiss ended and I stared at him wide-eyed. His thumb was brushing my cheek but my mind was blank again. "I love you, Rachel."

I continued to stare at him trying to understand what had just happened when I heard glass shatter.

Jesse was standing in the hallway just a few feet behind me. And the frame, I just gave him a few moments ago, was lying broken on the floor.

My heart dropped.

* * *

**May 10, 2015.**


	9. Chapter Nine

_For michemistic_

_and all of you who feel the need to smack Jesse over the head_

* * *

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Nine  
_

I was standing between the brothers and while Isaac only looked surprised at the attendance of his older brother, Jesse stared back and forth between Isaac and me. It reminded me of Isaac's reaction, the day he had come back. His face read something like disbelief and my heart started racing.

"What did he say? You choked on your NYADA audition?"

His voice was hard and something inside of me died. I swallowed hard.

"Not that it's any of your business," I threw at him. "But yes, I choked. No big deal."

I was glaring at him angrily and my view drifted to the frame to his feet. Was it still important?

"So that's none of my business, huh? Well, I could say the same about you! But you don't care about anything that I want, right? You just keep going on with your unrequested need to help everyone around you!"

My eyes turned into slits. I didn't know how everything could have gone so wrong but I definitely wasn't going to let that topic go easily. Yes, I had choked but it didn't mean that I wasn't going to do everything in my power to help Jesse. An idea plopped into my head.

I slowly turned around facing Isaac. His declaration of love was already forgotten when I asked him to leave us alone. He furrowed his brows and I noticed the anger in his body language. But the worst thing was the reaction that crossed his face. He didn't even bother trying to hide his hurt. He took a deep breath and gave a small nod before taking a last glance at his brother and disappearing through the door.

"That's something whole different," I explained after Isaac closed the door.

"How so?" Jesse shook his head and laughed dryly.

"You never made the decision to become a law student yourself. Tell me how that's fair? I can live with the fact that I choked and that I won't get another chance because I certainly don't deserve it but you…" I shrugged.

"With which song did you audition?"

"What?"

"Which song, Rachel?"

His blue eyes were boring into mine and I suddenly knew why he was asking.

"Does it really matter?"

"You never choke."

I nodded. My view drifted through the hallway and I was trying to look anywhere but at him. I could feel his stare on me but I didn't know what to say because he was right. I never choked. And he knew. He knew that something must have been off when I had auditioned but I just couldn't look him in the eyes.

"Which song?" he repeated.

I pressed my lips together hoping that he would stop. I had successfully managed to save the rest of my dignity when I had let Ms. Tibideaux go. But he just didn't stop pushing. Why didn't he stop pushing?

I lifted my view only a little but the expression on his face was… confusing. He still demanded an answer but I saw that he started getting uncomfortable. But why?

I let out a sigh of defeat. "Don't Rain On My Parade."

His eyes widened. "You know this song backwards." He replied quietly.

"I know."

"Could you sing it now without making a mistake?"

I took a deep breath. "Yes."

"So you could audition now and wouldn't choke?"

I hesitated. I hesitated because I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if my thoughts were going to drift off to all that mess again that had already distracted me on stage only an hour ago. I remained silent and Jesse closed his eyes almost painfully.

"When did you talk with Andrea?"

I knew why he was asking. "Yesterday."

He threw one hand in the air and started pulling through his hair a moment later. He wandered up and down the hallway, murmuring something to himself that I couldn't understand.

I started thinking about something to say when he suddenly stopped. He turned back around to me and his shoulders sunk. I startled.

His face was so full of sympathy. He looked sorry for something that he wasn't responsible for and he looked anywhere but at me when he whispered "I'm so sorry."

I furrowed my brows. "What?"

His view drifted back into the living room again and I followed his gaze. He was staring at the wall and I suddenly knew what this was about. Just that it made no sense. I was just about to ask what he meant when he started explaining in a low voice.

"If I hadn't kissed you yesterday you wouldn't have called Andrea. And if she hadn't told you about anything you wouldn't have choked." He laughed dryly again. "So if I had been able to stay away from you like I had intended, nothing of this would have happened. This is my fault. This is all my fault."

"It's not," immediately escaped my lips. He wasn't the one to blame. I understood his conclusion but… he just wasn't the one to blame. He was already burdened with the disease of his mother and I just couldn't let him make himself responsible for this, too. "It's not," I repeated confidently.

He looked at me like I was talking in a foreign language. He observed every little detail in my face looking for a sign that I was lying. But I wasn't. I was one-hundred percent sure that it had all been my fault. It had been my fault since the day I had fallen in love with him. That had been my first mistake. Maybe he was right with his conclusion but even then I was still the one to blame. Not him.

"You told my brother to leave," he suddenly said and I blinked. "You told him to leave after he told you that he loves you."

"What?" I asked in a small voice.

"You told him to leave."

I cleared my throat. "Yes."

He shook his head. A variety of expressions were crossing his features. Anger, amusement, confusion and pity. He pulled his hand through his hair again and threw a side-glance at me.

_I'm so sorry_. His words were repeating in my head seeing him in this unordinary condition.

I just stared at him. I didn't know what was going on with him and I needed to talk with Isaac. I had already forgotten about him until Jesse had mentioned him.

"I think you should leave," I whispered.

He nodded. He watched me a last time, looking like he was going to say something more, before passing past me and leaving my house without another word.

I walked into the kitchen taking both dushpan and brush out of the storage room. When I walked back into the hallway, I started sweeping the floor. The picture I had given Jesse only fifteen minutes ago was facing the floor. I picked it up, my fingers following the lines of Jesse's features.

If I wasn't going to NYADA, Jesse was.

And I was going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

* * *

**May 25, 2015.**


	10. Chapter Ten

** In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter 10_**  
**

_Isaac_

I was waiting for a call or a text message from Rachel telling me that she had rocked her NYADA audition. I expected her to tell me that Ms. Tibideaux or whoever came to see her was simply impressed and that they had immediately offered her a spot at the college. But I had to wait.

I was hanging out with some friends from school and the boys started playing soccer on the Xbox. Ryan was only shooting a goal and throwing his hand up in a fist when Justin threw him a dirty look.

Ryan laughed. "Oh come on, Jus. Don't cry."

Another dirty look. "I don't cry. I'm not a girl, remember?"

"Are you sure?"

I chuckled quietly. Ryan gave me a little wink before his eyes drifted to the phone in my hands. He groaned. Justin's gaze followed his and he rolled his eyes.

"Please tell me you are not waiting to hear from Rachel."

I grimaced. "No…"

Ryan shook his head. "I don't get why you haven't already made a move on her. You have been in love with her since… forever."

"And it's really getting pathetic now," Justin added.

They were staring at me with raised brows and I chuckled. "We're best friends," I explained in an attempt to change the topic.

"Seriously, dude? You are really using this as an argument?" The boys shook their heads.

"What? You only got the girl because Tony didn't make a move on his best friend."

He glared at me. "Yeah, and I'm a lucky man but if you really want to wait until another guy walks up acting all stunning like me… Don't start whining about it."

He was turning back to the game and Justin gave me a shrug.

I clenched my jaw. I knew how right they really were but I just couldn't risk our friendship. I was staring down on my phone again impatiently waiting for a message. When had I turned into such a sissy?

The time was passing and after an hour of waiting I decided to distract me. I grabbed Justin's controller under protest but he disappeared into the kitchen a moment later asking us if we wanted something to drink.

Ryan was shooting one goal after another and I clenched my teeth. What wasn't he good at?

An "Oh! No!" came from the kitchen.

Ryan and I were raising a brow at each other before Justin entered the room with an uneasy face. He was staring down on his phone and I furrowed my brows. "What?"

"I don't know how to tell you this, Isaac but... Rachel choked."

I coughed.

"Madison just sent me a text that she overheard Coach Corcoran screaming at Rachel. She somehow messed up the lyrics." He was meeting my face with an apologizing touch and continued. "She choked, Isaac. No NYADA."

I could feel every color leaving my face. She had what? Choked? No. This was impossible. I was grabbing my phone hoping for a message but there was none. Every few second I was staring down on the screen waiting for a sign from Rachel but the minutes just passed.

What had gone wrong? Rachel had been beyond prepared and there was no reason- NO. No, no, no, no. It couldn't be, could it? Was this about Jesse?

I shook my head. I had more important things to think of now. I took a look at my watch. Was Rachel home yet? I was grabbing my stuff together in a hurry and leaving the boys without another word. I was only noticing their wishes of luck along the way and starting my car faster than ever. How long would the ride take?

My thoughts started wandering back to the moment where I found Rachel leaning on the wall in the living room the day before. There were this small details that I just started noticing and my hands started clenching around the steering wheel.

A vision of her with tear filled eyes plopped into my head and suddenly, everything made sense.

Hypothetically.

I was remembering the day Jesse turned back home and was harshly telling Rachel to leave without a reason. After that she had successfully avoided spending too much time at our house. What the fuck had I missed there?

I saw a bright light at the road side and cursed. Slow down, buddy. Slow down. But how could I?

I was reaching our neighborhood soon enough but something made me stay in the car. I was taking a look at her house suddenly wondering what I was going to do?

Ryan's words were echoing in my head. I was closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before leaving the car and knocking on the Berry's front door a moment later.

"I'm so so sorry, Rachel."

I was embracing her and stroking her hair in comfort when she patted my shoulder. "It's okay, Isaac..."

No, it wasn't. I was cupping her face with my hands and looking into her beautiful brown eyes. The expression on her face was forced and I knew she was hiding something. The truth.

"It's not, okay? I know how much this audition meant to you and I can't even imagine what could have distracted you like that. But you're better than that, Rachel. I know you will convince Ms. Tibideaux to give you a second chance. And then you will proof her wrong for leaving. You will get to NYADA, okay? I know how you are and there isn't a single thing that is going to stop you." I was taking a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for what was about to leave my mouth. "I'm always here to support you." There was a tear glittering in her eye and I suddenly felt myself leaning down, pressing my lips onto hers.

Her lips were warm and soft and just like I imagined them to be. I was brushing her cheek and her eyes were opened wide after telling her "I love you, Rachel."

No reaction. I was close to getting uneasy under her stare when I heard glass shatter. Her head was turning around in alarm and only then I noticed the dark figure on the other side of the room.

Jesse was standing in the hallway just a few feet behind Rachel, a frame lying broken on the floor to his feet.

"What did he say? You choked on your NYADA audition?"

I didn't know what surprised me more. That my brother was actually here or that the harsh sound of his voice was betraying the reaction on his face after seeing Rachel and me together.

"Not that it's any of your business. But yes, I choked. No big deal."

I flinched. Her voice was cold but something inside of me was pleased with her reaction. I followed the direction her eyes were going and furrowed my brows at the frame to Jesse's feet. What was this all about?

"So that's none of my business, huh? Well, I could say the same about you! But you don't care about anything that I want, right? You just keep going on with your unrequested need to help everyone around you!"

My heart dropped. It wasn't the fact that Jesse was screaming at Rachel that made my eyes widen. But I knew my brother. He wasn't angry. He was frustrated. Frustrated because of something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

The tension in the room was rising fast and before I could even react Rachel asked me to leave. I was dumbfounded. Just a moment ago I had finally worked up the courage to reveal my feelings to her and now she was actually asking me to leave her alone with my brother. Together.

I took a deep breath and gave her a small nod before throwing a last glance at Jesse and disappearing through the door.

"That's something whole different," I heard Rachel saying after closing the door.

"How so?" He laughed dryly.

I didn't want to eavesdrop. I didn't want to know what was going on between them but my feet didn't move.

"You never made the decision to become a law student yourself. Tell me how that's fair? I can live with the fact that I choked and that I won't get another chance because I certainly don't deserve it but you…"

"With which song did you audition?"

Their conversation was suddenly turning into a whole different direction and even I was surprised at the turn Jesse was making. It was suddenly something way more personal and I questioned myself why I hadn't even thought of this question.

I shook my head before I would regret it and walked over to the house next door.

I was burying my head in my hands when I reached the living room and plastered myself on the couch. And I didn't even know what to think anymore. Did I even want to think this all through again?

My phone was vibrating in my pocket and a message from the boys was flashing up on the screen.

_How did it go? Everything ok?_

I laughed dryly. I didn't know myself.

The urge of searching through Jesse's room flamed up in me but the moment I decided to get my ass up Jesse burst through the front door. Our eyes were meeting shortly and I imagined something like a apologizing look on his face when he walked into the kitchen and picked up the telephone.

I wanted to confront him. To ask him what this was all about. But instead he decided to make a call first. I clenched my hand into a fist and wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind on his priorities._  
_

I was getting up again, walking up and down the room, trying to calm a little down and finally leaning myself against the desk in the corner of the room. My fingers were impatiently tapping on the wood of the table when my fingers where brushing something. Our initials.

_J – R – I_

I was taking a closer look on the table when I picked something of Jesse's conversation up. And it suddenly made me see why Rachel wasn't talking to me until the next day.

* * *

_So I'm a little busy freaking out about Lydia and Parrish (yeay!) but now I'm back on writing for IMV and hopefully for AG and RITD in a bit, too._  
_I've planned everything out already (at least for the first two), I just don't find the motivation to write lately. _  
_And yes, writing again is all Marrish's credit x3 (The hot training scene, though... *wiggles brows*)_

_I hoped you liked the little journey (haha!) into Isaac's head. Tell me what you think ;) R&amp;R_

**July 1, 2015.**


	11. Chapter Eleven

** In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Eleven**  
**_

There was a short moment of hesitation before I was building up the courage to knock on the St. James' front door. I had played with the thought of callinh Isaac or sending him a text message before but I just had known that I had to do this personally.

As I was waiting for the door to get opened everything that had happened the day before was again flashing in front of my eyes. I was remembering the hurt in Isaac's eyes all too clearly and I knew the bad conscience was going to plague me longer.

And asking him to leave hadn't even been the worst. But I hadn't contacted him after it. The clarifying talk I was now hoping for should have already happened after Jesse had followed his brother back home.

I wasn't feeling the pain from biting my lip until I tasted the blood on my tongue. My fingers were wandering to my lips and once again I was reminded of the other reason that made my stomach turn. Jesse. Instead of clearing things up with Isaac I had made plans how to get Jesse into NYADA. And if I was honest with myself, I didn't know if this was making things better or worse.

The sound of heavy footsteps were pulling me out of my train of thoughts when Isaac opened the door. I was already expecting him to stare me into the ground and telling me to leave after coming face to face with me but he was terrifying calm.

"Hey..." I said in a small voice.

Isaac was immediately holding the door open for me and I followed his invitation thankfully. He seemed to miss the expression of confusion on my face when he leaded me into the living room and leaned himself against the desk.

I was already opening my mouth in attempt to apologize when Isaac interrupted me.

"Please let me save us from the humiliation that would now follow. Let's just forget everything that happened between us yesterday, okay?"

"You told me you loved me," I stated.

Isaac squinted his eyes together. "Exactly the part I was referring to."

I thought the definition of my reaction was shock. I was staring at him with wide eyes and already trying to think of a response but once again I was left speechless. After an endless long moment Isaac finally dared to take a peek at me and I blinked.

"I don't know what to say, Isaac..."

He simply nodded. "That's actually a good place to start."

My mouth dropped open. And I didn't know what was happening here anymore. "How...?"

Taking a last look at the desk, Isaac clapped his hands together and walked over to me. There was a decent distance between us when he sat down on the couch and I stared at him questioningly.

"Look: we both now that there's never anything going to happen between us. I followed some weird instinct to kiss you in order to comfort you but I eventually came to the realization that you're like a sister to me. I was expecting a spark or something but there was nothing." There was a short pause before he continued. "And after you told me to leave yesterday, I had a lot of time to think. I mean, I was really hurt when you didn't reply and I was so angry and jealous when Jesse suddenly showed up in your house. But it made me realize that I was only imagining us as a couple because I never started thinking of other possibilities because you have always been by my side. I think, I mistook the security of habit for love. Even though, I do love you. Just like a sister. And I want to apologize for it. Because I brought you into this situation. I should have known better than this but I just didn't know what you needed to be happy."

I laughed dryly. "And you do now?"

He titled his head, grinning slightly. "I think so. But before I'm telling you this secret, I want to make sure that you are okay."

I was observing this amazing boy for another moment before quirking a brow at him and punching him playfully on the shoulder. I had a feeling that there was more about it than what Issac was telling me but this situation was already confusing enough. And I needed my best friend back.

A laugh escaped my mouth and Isaac was soon joining into my laughter.

"And what do we do now?" I asked, shaking my head at this mess.

Isaac shrugged. "Getting you into NYADA."

* * *

**Moonday ;)  
July 6, 2015**


	12. Chapter Twelve

** In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Twelve  
_

My legs started shaking.

It was a quite annoying habit that I was always commenting on others but I was slowly getting nervous. And impatient. Mostly impatient. I was taking another desperate look at my watch but the time didn't seem to pass. I was impatiently sitting in front of Ms. Tibideaux's office, waiting for my name to get called. Nothing.

I was nearly waiting for an hour now and my nerves were stretched and _very_ close to break. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would start biting my nails too.

So how had I ended up in New York?

Isaac (and I) had made plans to get me back into NYADA and after some very long calls I had finally been able to reach Ms. Tibideuax. She had only hung up on me twice. After talking with Shelby about everything she had willingly let me take her free miles and I had somehow managed to make my way to the college.

The only problem with Isaac's plan was that it was made for me.

We (Isaac) had gone trough every little detail and we (Isaac) had somehow made a bulletproof plan for Mr. Tibideaux to give me a second chance. To let me audition again. Without choking, of course. Isaac had burned the plan into my brain and I was mentally already holding a pen to tick up everything on our (his) list.

But: the list was still made for me.

**Number One: **Apologize.

This one obviously could never have come from me.

At the beginning of junior year Vocal Adrenaline had open auditions and this girl from the Philippines, Sunshine Corazon, had somehow ended up at a crack house on her way to the audition. Unnecessary to mention that Shelby wasn't very convinced of her story. Sunshine never returned to Carmel. I could still remember the snorting sound of Jesse's laughter.

The ticking sound of my watch seemed to get louder with every added second that I kept waiting for Ms. Tibideuax.

When I had finally managed to make an appointment with her secretary, she had repeated that I still had to bring some time because some appointments could possibly take longer than others and that the time for my appointment with her could shrink to a minimum because it had officially been a gap in her calendar for a coffee break. Otherwise I would have waited weeks. Weeks that I didn't have.

I was going through our (Isaac's) plan again to waste some time when the door to the dean's office finally opened. Ms. Tibideaux sounded annoyed when she called my name and I suppressed the feeling to sigh in relief. Dianna gave me an encouraging smile before she closed the door behind me.

Ms. Tibideaux's office was impressive. The whole furniture had been held simple but matched everything that I had witnessed from the dean's character. A mix between something strong and aggressive but somehow inviting and warm, too. The woman sitting behind her huge desk was intimidating but there was still something soft and sensitive about her. Otherwise she surely wouldn't have agreed to an appointment with me.

"Take a seat."

It was an order and I followed her instruction.

She was still looking at something on her desk, when I sat down and she shortly glanced through her glasses. After a moment she put them down and focused her view on me.

"Ms. Berry, what can I do for you?"

I have always hated this question. Every time I went to my doctor he would ask the same question and I always wanted to tell him to make me healthy again. The question was stupid. Instead of asking me what was wrong or where it hurt or something like that this question always came up. Like I wasn't there for a medical reason and just for a casual chat.

I took a calming breath and the plan was visualizing in front of my eyes.

**Number Two: **Explain her why _you_ deserve a second chance.

I didn't.

**Number Three: **Use her past against her.

I wasn't.

Well I wasn't using her past against her _for me_ at least.

And here came the problem with Isaac's plan. As I've mentioned before the plan had been made for _me_. But _I _wasn't going to beg for a second chance. I've never planned to.

I so totally wasn't looking for what was left of my dignity.

This was about getting _Jesse_ into NYADA.

I put as much seriousness into my voice as I could. "I want to ask you for a favor."

Ms. Tibideaux stared at me. She didn't blink for more than a minute until a snort escaped her mouth. She was laughing at me.

"Tell me why, Ms. Berry, I should do you a favor."

"It isn't for me."

The dean furrowed her brows. She leaned back in her chair and observed me. She observed me until I was close to feeling uncomfortable but I needed to proof that I was serious and that I wouldn't let that topic go. Jesse needed to get into NYADA.

"I hear."

I already opened my mouth to elaborate everything like I had planned but instead I set for a different way.

"There is this boy-"

"-that you are madly in love with, I assume?"

"-that hasn't been able to go his way," I continued, ignoring her. "His future was meant for Broadway but his familiar situation wasn't able to offer him this possibility. His mother got sick and his father forced him into studying something completely different. I just recently got to know that he's a law student and that he couldn't be any unhappier about it. I just... can't accept that. He has already made enough sacrifices and I don't want him to give up his dreams. And I know they are still there. He doesn't want this life but he would never admit that because he's way too stubborn. He always wants to do the right thing, just that this time he is wrong. He's made for this life," I said pointing to everything around me. "He is the most talented person I have ever had the pleasure to work with and I am not going to watch him ruin his life." My voice started trembling and I was shaking my head. "I just can't."

I was raising my view to meet Ms. Tibideaux's face. She was intensely listening and the slightes bit of interest that I discovered on her face was motivating me to continue.

"I know I'm asking you to take him into special consideration but please, don't close the door before you've heard him sing. There's nothing that he isn't as good or as passionate about or that brings him so much joy. It sets him apart."

"Ms. Berry-"

"I won't give up until he gets in. I will come back every year until he gets in and eventually gets the life he deserves."

"Ms. Berry-"

"Didn't I read somewhere that you auditioned for Julliard four times?"

I was afraid that everything I was saying would be useless. That nothing would change and that not only me but Jesse too was going to follow a direction that hadn't been planned for either of us in the first place. When I raised my view again I noticed a small smile on Ms. Tibideaux's face.

"Tell me more about him."

* * *

I fell asleep as soon as I sat down in the plane. The flight back home was short- mostly because I couldn't remember any of it and only woke up minutes before we set for landing. And for the first time when I woke up, I felt endlessly relieved after these long and exhausting months.

Ms. Tibideaux hadn't promised anything but she told me to take Jesse into consideration. I had told her everything that had happened and because she had a heart too, Jesse was going to get a second chance.

She knew he was talented. But when he had auditioned two years ago, he hadn't been quite ready, she had told me. And now she wanted to look if he was.

Isaac immediately set for asking me how everything went when I got home and even through I was lying to him, I couldn't help but feel confident.

We watched a movie together to celebrate the _good_ news and I couldn't stop smiling.

Jesse returned home late in the evening. I watched him park on the other side of the street and I couldn't help but notice that he looked tired. Tired but good. He was walking over to his house when he noticed me behind the window. He gave me a small nod and smiled. I returned the gesture and then he disappeared into his house.

Ms. Tibideaux called me a day later.

* * *

_More updates to follow soon._

_Let's wrap this up :)_

**July 29, 2015.**


	13. Chapter Thirteen

** In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Thirteen_

Ms. Tibideaux's plan was supposed to be simple.

Next weekend all students that had applied to the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts were invited to a campus visit. They would be able to get a first look of what the classes would look like and the faculty could get a first impression of their possible students. The weekend was supposed to weed out the weak students before they got even accepted due to their audition before. Was it cruel? Yes. Was it helpful? Most likely.

I got my invitation today.

I was supposed to bring Jesse with me and, according to the plan, we were going to take these classes together. While it should seem like Jesse was my guest (the possibility to bring one funnily enough existed), it was actually the other way around. The teachers would keep their eyes on him and then eventually he would make it into the college. The plan was good.

The only thing missing was that I still didn't have any idea how to turn Jesse into my plus one. And that was unfortunately my problem to deal with.

I was still staring at the invitation ever since the moment I had taken it out of the post box in front of or house, thinking of a way to include Jesse into this. Not the tiniest bit of an idea.

I was considering everything that I could say to make it sound reasonable that Jesse was going to join me on that weekend and every possible reaction that I could get confronted with. It didn't look good for me. So I eventually settled for the best thing I could do in this situation: I was going to improvise.

After knocking on the St. James' front door I was briefly starting to panic. I was good at improvising, brilliant even, but I didn't expect anyone else opening the door but Isaac.

And Jesse was crossing this part of my improvisation already.

He had always been good with timing...

Jesse was already opening his mouth in order to say something but the connection between the part of my brain that was trying to improvise and my mouth was thankfully working faster. "Is Isaac home?"

Jesse closed his mouth. He was closing his eyes while taking a deep breath and I was watching him in astonishment. A simple answer had never been his style.

When his eyes shot open again, he gave me a nod. He pointed to the upper floor and I gave him a small but thankful smile. One corner of his mouth twitched a little but it didn't reach his eyes.

I was climbing the stairs to the upper floor, following the route to Isaac's room. My hand was already on the door knob when the expression on Jesse's face was flashing in front of my eyes again and I furrowed my brows. I threw a glance back through the hallway but I could only see the door to Jesse's room at the end of it. Then I took a deep breath and shook my head before opening Isaac's door.

He was sitting with his back to me and watching something on his laptop with earplugs in his head. I was slowly making my way over to him and risking a look over his shoulder. I recognized the purple emblem of the NYU and tapped Isaac on the shoulder only a second later. He was turning his head around in surprise and pulling his earplugs out in a swift move before sighing in relief.

"You were really close to making me jump."

"It's a habit."

"Funny," he replied dryly.

Making my way over to his bed for a place to sit I shrugged, grinning.

"I got my NYADA invitation today. For the campus visit, you remember?"

His face lit up. "Sure. How could I forget that after all the effort we made into getting you a second chance?"

_More like a non-existing one, _I thought. "I need to ask you a favor."

It was this moment that I was afraid of. Telling Isaac everything about my plan that had always overshadowed his plan to get me into NYADA. I didn't know if it was the right moment or even a good idea to tell him that I basically used everything that he had helped me with for getting Jesse into NYADA. That I needed his help again, for making Jesse agree to follow Ms. Tibideaux's invitation without him knowing.

I was watching the curiosity that was already written in Isaac's face and suddenly remembered his declaration of love. Afraid of a similar reaction I was hoping for the best. But then again: Isaac's feelings for me hadn't turned out to be love, right?

He was surely going to agree with me if he let me explain everything. And he only wished his brother the best too, didn't he?

Making the decision not to overthink things anymore I hurried to continue.

"The campus visit is already next weekend and I was hoping that you could..."

"I can't." _What_?

"... join me."

He was giving me an apologizing smile before telling me that he already had other plans. No further explanation.

_Okay. _That was... good.

Maybe I didn't even need to tell Isaac about my plan and I could convince Jesse on my own. New plans already started to develop in my head when Isaac's voice stopped my train of thoughts.

"You should ask Jesse."

I titled my head. "What?"

Isaac shrugged. "You two were always bringing the best out of each other."

My mouth dropped open. "Are you kidding?" I asked, raising a brow.

He shook his head. "Do you want me to list the titles you won together?"

"But you won them with us."

"I didn't. I was only getting into Vocal Adrenaline when Jesse left for college."

I blinked. I couldn't recall if the things Isaac was telling were true because I didn't remember any moment without Isaac on our side. I could remember that he had been at every rehearsal since the start and now I really started questioning the reliability of my memory. But who did I think I was not to trust him?

"Yeah, right. Sorry."

He studied me for a moment and shrugged before turning back to his computer again.

"Okay, well... I'm going to ask Jesse then."

Isaac nodded and when I reached the door, he lifted his hand to give me a thumps up. I threw another confused look at him before leaving but he had already turned his back on me again.

Following my previous decision not to overthink everything I was making my way back down again. Convincing Jesse would obviously take a lot of more effort than whatever happened up there. I was finding him in the living room lying all over the couch, a biography of Sondheim covering his face. I rolled my eyes.

"Sondheim? Really? No Freddie Mercury today?"

He was lifting the book in surprise and sneered at my sight.

"That's lying over there," he replied pointing to desk in the corner. "I am just to lazy to get up."

I nodded, looking anywhere but at him, suddenly remembering our little encounter over there and feeling my face heating up.

"If you don't mind..."

I glared at him. I was already opening my mouth in order to tell him to do it himself when I thought better of it. If I was going to convince him to join me on my (his) visit at NYADA I could at least get him that stupid book. I made my way over to the desk and picked the book up before holding it out to him a moment later. He quirked a brow before taking it.

"That was unlikely nice of you."

I was taking a seat in the chair opposite him and smiled broadly.

"You want something in return," he concluded.

"That's true. And before you say no I want you to know that there could be consequences. Life and death consequences. So please don't say no before you hear me out, okay?"

Jesse nodded, hardly trying to cover the forming smile of amusement on his face.

"After choking at my NYADA audition I went to New York last week to talk to Ms. Tibideaux. I somehow managed to convince her to give me a second chance and she invited me to this campus visit event where they watch the potential freshman in their classes. AndbecauseI'mafraidtochokeagainIwanttoaskformoralsupportfromyou."

Jesse slowly lifted himself up. "You want _me_ to come with you?"

"Yup."

"Are you sure?"

"Life and death consequences..." I muttered.

I was watching him carefully, waiting for the tiniest reaction on his face.

"Okay."

_HUH?_ "Huh?"

"Okay, I'll come with you."

Was he serious? "But- why?"

"Since it was my fault that you choked in the first place it's the least I can do for you."

"It wasn't your fault."

Jesse grimaced.

"You have to spend a whole weekend with me and I'm not getting any protest?"

"Do you want some?"

I shook my head. "Not really."

"Good."

"Good."

"Fine."

"Fine."

I knew that confusion was written all over my face. I was staring at him in disbelief wanting to know what the hell was going on here. First Isaac, now Jesse...

"Until next weekend then."

I nodded. "Until next weekend then..."

* * *

**August 19, 2015.**


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Happy New Year.**

* * *

**In My Veins**

_Chapter Fourteen  
_

I would have never dared to imagine an eight-hour long train ride with Jesse as peacefully as this. I hadn't felt this comfortable around him for a long time and I decided to enjoy it as long as possible. I knew when Monday came by everything could be different again and I didn't want to waste my time wondering what was going on with him.

This boy sitting across from me was the boy I had grown up with. His old self. He was still everything that made me roll my eyes: arrogant, conceited and fuller of himself than everyone else I knew. But now there was always a small smile playing on his lips whenever I was looking at him without his knowledge. I felt like he was becoming happier again.

The time flew by. I watched the changing landscapes on our way to New York and even though I had only been there a few weeks ago, I felt myself getting excited at the sight of the high buildings. Jesse and I were stopping our conversation, taking in everything that the Big Apple offered even from a few miles away. We were both hurrying to a better place to look out of the window, pressing ourselves against the glass like children. Jesse cleared his throat when he noticed our childish behavior but I only laughed, and he surprisingly joined in.

From there it didn't take us long to get to NYADA. Jesse was raising his hand to get us a cab and three yellow cars stopped in front of us immediately. I was raising a brow at Jesse but he was only grinning at me. When we were getting in on of the cabs, I stared at him.

"What?"

"How did you do this? The last time I was here I had to take the sub because I didn't get a cab."

Jesse shrugged. "You are small."

My mouth already opened in protest but his statement was true. Hadn't I been able to get a cab because no one had seen me? "That's ridiculous."

Jesse sneered. "Keep telling yourself that."

I rolled my eyes.

We were driving through the city and I felt a sting in my chest. Coming here always felt like coming home but this time it was different. This weekend wasn't supposed to get me a step closer to my dreams and it made me kind of sad. I was watching Jesse's profile with a sad smile playing across my lips until I noticed his change of posture. I knew he tried to hide his excitement because his thoughts were probably following the same direction as mine. But there was one thing that Jesse had never been able to pull off: hiding his happiness.

He was a brilliant actor when it came to hiding every other emotion when he intended it, but showing this side had always been a difficulty for him. Jesse saw it as weakness and was too proud and careful in order not to get it used against him. I could only shake my head at it. I was losing myself in thoughts and didn't notice that we had already arrived at NYADA. Jesse was opening my door but I was only staring ahead.

"Are you alright?"

My head snapped around and I stared at him in confusion. My view was drifting past him, towards the glorious buildings of the college and I had a hard time keeping on a straight face. I really wanted this for Jesse. But I was also envious. Envious because Jesse was getting this second chance and I choked at my audition. And I hadn't even brought up the courage to ask for a second chance.

I took a deep breath and forced a smile upon my face. "I'm a little nervous."

"Looks like it."

I sneered. "You are really great at encouraging people. Has anyone told you that already?"

Jesse laughed. It was a friendly and warm laugh that made my chest flutter. I hadn't heard that laugh in ages and I just knew it was becoming one of the most beautiful things I was ever going to witness.

I was shaking my head at Jesse when our driver came to hand us our luggage. I was grabbing money from my purse but Jesse was already paying him. He thanked Jesse for his generousness and drove off.

I stared at Jesse.

"What?"

"Tell me how much you gave him and I repay you," I demanded.

Jesse snorted. "No."

I was staring at him in disbelief and the amused look on his face made me turn red. I had an idea why he was doing it but it was just uncalled-for. I was grabbing my bag and hurrying to make my way over to the main building. It took Jesse only a few seconds to catch on. "I'm going to pay you back nevertheless."

"I know."

I threw a glance at Jesse. He seemed like he was thinking about something intensely, watching the ground and pressing his lips together.

I already opened my mouth in order to loosen the situation but instead we entered the building and I remained quiet.

* * *

"Jesse St. James and Rachel Berry."

The woman at the information ticked our names from a list, handed us a small bag and explained us the way to the introduction event. I was giving her a warm smile and politely took leave.

The memory of her words were already fading when I was reading the map and trying to decipher which way we had to take to get to the assembly hall. But unfortunately, I had no idea. The floors looked all alike and I could only title my head at it. When I heard an annoyed sigh, I turned my head and Jesse grabbed the map.

"How will you even survive here in the future when you can't even make it to your classrooms?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and send him a dirty look. I already opened my mouth for a witty response when I remembered that it didn't matter. My arms suddenly fell down and I pressed my lips together. This. Wasn't. About. Me. So I only shrugged.

Jesse narrowed his eyes at me. He shook his head a moment later before he took another glance at the map and guided the way. "This way."

I made a grumpy sound and followed him. He made a turn right without any hesitation and I could feel myself getting angry. I was always reminding myself that I didn't belong here and the way Jesse was walking down the hallway all confident just confirmed my attitude. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling at all. I took a deep breath and ignored my tightening chest. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Jesse deserved this.

Jesse stopped abruptly and I ran into his chest. Ow.

He raised a brow at me. "What?" I asked, wincing at the touch of my nose.

"You said my name."

"What? No."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "Yes, you did. Repeatedly."

I stared at him in confusion. Only then it began to dawn on me that I had repeated his name in my head. Only that it didn't seem like I had kept my thoughts to myself at all. Jesse gave me another look but I continued with my parade. We stared at each other for another moment not one of us wanting to give in. That was until I smelled something delicious and my stomach growled.

"I'm hungry."

I felt my face flushing and Jesse laughed. "I hear that."

* * *

The introduction event was kept short. We were about forty people and I let my view drift around the room while Ms. Tibideaux' secretary explained us the course of actions that would follow the next days. I didn't know how many of the attendees were potential students but they were all wearing determined looks on their faces. Jesse rammed his elbow in my side.

"What's your problem?" He hissed.

He clenched his jaw and his eyes drifted to the headmaster herself. Ms. Tibideaux was watching us carefully and I forced a smile on my face. Jesse seemed like he wanted to add something but he kept quiet.

Five minutes later we were free to go. Jesse immediately walked through the doors of the assembly hall and disappeared. I could only stare after him. I felt the anger rising when a voice cut it.

"Rachel Berry?"

I turned around and noticed a young man with blue eyes in front of me. He looked around Jesse's age and quirked a brow at me.

"Yes?"

"My name is Brody Weston and I'm a NYADA student. Nice to meet you."

He put forth his hand and I nodded in confusion before shaking his hand. "Uh-u."

Brody laughed. "I see why you're confused." He looked around the room and pointed at different people. "Some of the students were asked to help you _settle in. _It's only for a weekend but whatever. Your name happened to be on my list."

"You have a list?"

Brody chuckled. "Not really. But you were looking a little lost back here."

"Yeah, my company suddenly vanished," I lied.

"Oh. So you actually used this guest offer?" His voice turned dry.

I shook my head. "Something like that."

He looked beyond confused. "Well, okay then. I'm supposed to bring you to your room, if you don't mind?"

I was already opening my mouth to accept his offer when Jesse returned. His eyes scanned the room and when they found me his eyes lit up. I didn't know what the sight of him did to my stomach but I suddenly forgot my anger. He took a few steps into my direction and froze for a second before he continued his way.

"Rachel?"

"Hm?"

Brody threw me an irritated look and started again. "I'm supposed to bring you to your room?"

It sounded more like a question than a statement but before I could answer Jesse already replied. "I do it. But thanks for the offer."

Brody looked back and forth between us. "Your company?"

I nodded.

"Brother?"

Jesse coughed and I threw him an amused glance.

"No, he's-" I wanted to explain that he was a friend but Jesse had made it very clear that we weren't friends. But what were we then? What was he then? My best friend's brother that had agreed to spend a whole weekend with me just because Isaac hadn't been able to? I frowned. Wasn't it the truth eventually?

Jesse interrupted me. "Jesse St. James."

Brody nodded. "Well, Jesse. Nice to meet you as well. Now that you're here, let's bring you guys to your quarter."

Before Jesse could say anything Brody turned around and guided the way. Jesse was a little tense but followed him nevertheless.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

Jesse's head snapped around. "Huh? Yeah, yeah. Alright."

I looked him over and he relaxed. "Oh, I forgot."

He gave me something that was wrapped in white paper and looked suspiciously like a sandwich. "It's vegan."

I stuttered a _thank you _and stared at him.

Meanwhile Brody had leaded us to a dorm on the campus. He stopped in front of one of the doors and wanted to give me the key before Jesse grabbed it.

"Thanks." Jesse unlocked the door and waited for me unpatiently.

"Eh, yes. Have a good night and see you tomorrow," Brody replied.

Jesse's eyes widened but before he could say something stupid I dragged him into our room and wished Brody a good night.

* * *

"What the hell was that, Jesse? Has Brody done anything to you?"

Jesse wrinkled his nose.

"Seriously, what's your problem?"

I was walking towards my luggage that was lying on the bed at the ride sight of the room and started unpacking it. It was an unnecessary action but I just needed to get my hands around something that wasn't Jesse's throat. The sandwich was now lying on my nightstand and the smell of it made my mouth water. The day had been exhausting and I wanted nothing more but eating it and going to sleep. But Jesse frustrated me so much. I didn't even know why I was pulling up with his bullshit anymore.

Jesse didn't say anything. He started unpacking his luggage as well and I felt my nerves stretching. Now that Brody was gone he seemed as calm as never and I wanted to strangle him. When my bag was empty I turned around, watching him. He kept his head down but I could see that he held himself back. He seemed like he was lost in thoughts and suddenly stopped unpacking.

"Jesse?" I asked carefully.

"This was a mistake."

"What?" I whispered.

Jesse turned around and his eyes were boring into mine. "I shouldn't have come. I don't know what I was thinking."

No.

"I should head back home again."

In this moment I remembered everything that Andrea had told me. Then I saw my NYADA audition flash in front of my eyes and froze. If Jesse was heading back home again he wouldn't be able to get the spot he so much deserved. He deserved it so much more than me.

Jesse already started packing his things together again.

"No."

He stopped. "What_ no_?"

"No, you're not leaving."

He turned around again facing me with an angry look. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me right."

He clenched his jaw and shook his head at me. "I don't know how you've gotten the idea that I care about your opinion."

I swallowed. He knew exactly how to hurt me.

Jesse continued to pack and I did the only thing that I thought could change his decision again.

"It was your fault that I choked at my NYADA audition. If you hadn't kissed me- if you hadn't lied to me from the beginning I would have kept a clear head. But do you know what, Jesse?" I shouted at him and an actual tear started rolling down my cheek. I looked at it in surprise and wiped it away before Jesse could see. "You're a coward. You always run away from your problems. You run off to L.A. and return two years later only to blame everything that happened on me. You broke my heart, Jesse! And now you're doing it again. Tell me how this is fair! How is this fair to me?"

"Then tell me how it comes that you don't seem to care at all about this chance you got! You rather flirt with the whole student body than pay even the slightest bit of attention when it comes to this weekend! I don't even want to know what impression you made on Ms. Tibideaux with your reckless behavior! Do you even want this second chance? Because honestly, you don't look like it! I would die for a chance like this and you just waste it..."

Jesse froze. He didn't move an inch and then he angrily swept the bedside lamp from his nightstand. The whole room went black. Jesse tore his hair and cursed. "Damn it."

We were just standing there for a few minutes until I couldn't bear the silence anymore. "I know. I understand this better than you think but you just can't run away again. I know this isn't easy for you but you can't change your destiny when you run away again and again."

Jesse didn't reply.

"Stay."

I was searching for his eyes in the darkness and when our eyes met, I sobbed. Jesse grabbed his bag and walked to the door. The next words were leaving my mouth before I could stop them.

"I loved you," I whispered. " I still do."

He winced. He had the doorknob in his head and for one short moment, he hesitated. Then it passed away and Jesse disappeared through the door.

I let out a dry laugh and burst out crying.

* * *

**December 31, 2015.**


	15. Chapter Fifteen

** In My Veins**

_Chapter Fifteen  
_

"I really don't know what came over him, Andrea. He suddenly got so angry because I wasn't into using this chance as much as he wanted and would have if he had been in my place. But how could I act like it was important and rub it into his face when this was actually all about him? And now he's gone and I don't know what to do."

Andrea sighed. "Oh, Rachel. Why didn't you tell me this before? You know how much of a stubborn person Jesse can be."

"I don't know," I replied. "Everything was going so great until that point and now everything I've done is simply a waste. And Isaac, Andrea. I've used his plan to get me into NYADA for Jesse and I have such a bad conscience. Not because I tried that but because I failed so horrible again and don't know how to ever get into his sight again if he finds out what I've done."

Andrea exhaled heavily. "I don't know what to say. I would love to help you but that's a pretty complicated situation that you're in. Have you called Isaac yet? Maybe Jesse's already back home when he left last night?"

I shook my head. "I only sent him a text message. I couldn't talk to him."

"Okay. First things first. I try to find out if he's already back home and you explain the situation to Ms. Tibideaux. That should be worry enough for you. I'll call you as soon as I know where he is, okay?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

"No problem."

Andrea hung up on me and I let my phone slide into my pocket again. I was waiting in the office of Ms. Tibideaux' secretary Dianna while she was making coffee in the kitchen a door away. I hadn't slept much last night and immediately asked Dianna for an appointment with Ms. Tibideaux after I had gotten up this morning.

"Here, honey," she said after entering the room again and pushing a cup of coffee into my hands. I nodded and thanked her for her pleasantry. She smiled.

The cup was warming my cold hands and Dianna sat back down in front of her desk again. She had blond hair that stopped just above her shoulders and she looked like she was in her mid-thirties. Her hazel eyes were warm when she gave me a smile.

"So Jesse left?" She inquired again.

I blew a breath on top of the hot liquid. "Yep."

Dianna nodded. "I'm sorry to hear that. I know how much effort you've had to convince Carmen. And I can only imagine the act you had to pull off to make Jesse join you when he had no idea about all of this."

"Yeah."

Dianna titled her head. "You must really love him."

I remained quiet. Dianna nodded again and threw a glance at her computer screen. She gave me an apologizing smile and started typing on her keyboard. I was looking down on my coffee again and watching my reflection in it.

I hadn't wasted much time before I had called on Dianna and now I was waiting for Ms. Tibideaux in sweatpants and slippers. My hair already started to feel greasy and the depressing look in my eyes made me feel pathetic.

The growing sound of footsteps made my head raise and a moment later Carmen Tibideaux walked into the room. She was nodding towards her office and I followed. Ms. Tibideaux was waiting for me to take place and I placed my cup on her desk before sitting down. She raised a brow.

"I got informed that Mr. St. James already left again?"

I grimaced before I went on an explanation. "It was all my fault. I couldn't stop myself to provoke him and scared him away." I was gripping the armrests tightly and my nails were boring into the material. "If anyone is to blame, it's me. Please don't let my stupidity ruin his chances of getting into NYADA."

Ms. Tibideaux clicked her tongued. "I'm sorry to tell you that I can't do anything if Mr. St. James has left."

I shook my head aggressively and stared at my hands. What had I done?

"I don't give third chances, Ms. Berry."

Before I knew what I was doing I had banged my fist onto her desk. I felt the pain running through my hand and clenched my teeth. "You can't punish him for things that I've done! He had every right to leave and just because he didn't know that this weekend was supposed to get him into NYADA..."

I felt my eyes watering up again but the expression on Ms. Tibideaux' face was hard. I only realized now that I had screamed at her in order to release the anger I was feeling towards myself. "I'm sorry."

"You should pack your bags, Ms. Berry."

I nodded and walked out of her office. I needed a second to collect myself and felt the pitying eyes of Dianna on me. I thanked her again and made my way back to the dorm.

I had failed again. But this time the defeat tasted even more bitterly than before. I had ruined Jesse's last chance of starting over at his dream college just because... I couldn't even remember what our fight had been about anymore.

I was searching for the keys in my pocket when the door of our room came in sight. I threw a short glance at my mobile phone but there still wasn't any message about Jesse's stay. When I unlocked the door and entered the room, I startled. Jesse was sitting on his bed and looking up to me.

"How did you get into the room?"

"Spare key."

I nodded.

I didn't know what his presence was supposed to mean but the neutral expression on his face wasn't encouraging. I walked towards the other side of the room and started packing my things together. I could feel Jesse's eyes on me and grabbed a pair of decent clothes before I disappeared into the bathroom and changed. When I was ready I splashed some water in my face and sent Andrea a message.

**Jesse's here.**

Before I plucked up the courage to push the doorknob down I took a deep breath and exhaled. Jesse was still sitting in the same position as before. I opened my mouth and closed it again because I didn't know what to say. So I just walked over to my bag and grabbed it.

"My decision to stay has nothing to do with you, Rachel." He played with his hands and our eyes met. "I just don't plan into going into a fight with Isaac about this."

His eyes were dark and watching me carefully. I nodded.

Jesse got up and wiped dust from his jeans. "Let's go."

I followed him in silence and was more confused than ever but the vibration of my phone made me snap out of my thoughts.

_**That's good news.**_

Was it that really? I was relieved that Jesse hadn't left and still had a chance of getting into NYADA now but had it really been worth it? He wasn't talking to me and I hardly assumed that he planned on it either. Only a few weeks ago I wouldn't have minded but the cold shoulder he was now giving me hurt. Not only because I had revealed my feelings to him but there was something about this whole situation that was bugging me. From the moment where Jesse had agreed to join me to this trip to the second I had found out he hadn't left only a moment ago.

**We'll see.**

The next event was going to be about something vocal-related. When Brody came into sight and raised his hand I dropped my gaze and walked straight past him. I didn't want to risk a situation that could lead Jesse to wanting to leave again. And this time, I was sure, he wasn't going to stay. I silently took place next to Jesse and listened to one of NYADA's vocal teachers for the next two hours.

It was hard to force an interested look on my face and smile whenever I felt Jesse's eyes on me. I was doing my best at the exercises that Mr. Harris was giving us and somehow he ended up praising me. He said something about preparing a song for tomorrow but my mind was already drifting off again.

When the lesson was over Dianna entered the room and looked at me in surprise. Her eyes switched back and forth between Jesse and me and she gave me an encouraging smile. I returned the gesture and followed Jesse in a hurry.

The dance teacher wasn't as generous with his judgement as Mr. Harris. She kept slagging me at every asserted mistake I made and I bit my tongue so hard that I tasted blood in my mouth.

Ms. Tibideaux had joined the lesson not long ago and was watching the students with interest. Her eyes were directed at Jesse who was now dancing with Ms. July and following every step she made before he took lead. The smile on her face revealed the good impression he was making on her. Ms. Tibideaux' gaze wandered back to me and I followed the lead of my dance partner again.

I lost Jesse in the cafeteria. After Ms. July's criticism I was feeling even more assured of the fact that I wasn't made to be here. I ordered a salad and spotted Jesse with a few other students at the other side of the cafeteria. He laughed about something the girl next to him said and looked happier than ever. I threw my food in the trash and returned to our room.

I didn't know what to do. I had typed Andrea's and Isaac's numbers multiple times but I couldn't bring myself to hitting dial. The hours passed without further ado.

I changed into my pajama and waited until Jesse returned. I was hiding under a blanket and facing the wall when the lock clicked and the door opened.

Jesse didn't say anything and I pretended to sleep.

* * *

**January 1, 2016.**


	16. Chapter Sixteen

_This is for you grandpa. I miss you.  
_

* * *

**In My Veins**

_Chapter Sixteen_

"And what song did you prepare for today?"

Brody was sitting on the other side of the table and eating a bowl of cereal. I had met him early in the morning when I had sneaked out of the room to go to the fitness room and after that I hadn't found any reason to decline his offer to join me at breakfast. Jesse was probably asleep anyway and my experience from the day before reminded me that I needed food to make it through the day.

I shook my head at Brody. "None."

He raised a brow at me and titled his head. "How come?"

I shrugged. "I'm not the one that applied here."

A frown started to form on his face. "But your name was on the list."

I sighed. "That was just cover. I mean I actually did apply here but I choked at my audition and yeah. Long story."

"So you're here for Jesse, if I understand that right?"

I nodded and pecked at my breakfast. I didn't know why but talking about Jesse suddenly spoiled my appetite again. I could feel Brody's eyes on me but I wasn't in the mood to talk. The food didn't taste as well as I had expected it anyway.

We were peacefully sitting in silence and I really appreciated it that Brody didn't ask any further. I could see the curiosity in his eyes but he respected my boundaries. It even encouraged me to take some bites again and I felt my stomach getting better.

Brody and I were talking about unimportant stuff and the time quickly passed. I was laughing hard when he made a joke and then Jesse appeared. He wasn't really looking at me. He was barely glancing at me when he started to talk.

"I will bring you to the train station later but I'm staying in New York for a little longer."

I gave him a nod and with that he disappeared. I laid my fork back on the tray.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Brody asked carefully.

I raised my head and looked into his eyes. They were full of sympathy and I felt myself nodding at him. Tears started to form in my eyes and I started from the beginning.

* * *

Before I was meeting Ms. Tibideaux again I walked into the Round Room searching for Jesse. He was laughing with his new friends and I squared my shoulders before waslking over to him. I was satisfied with the outcome of my conversation with Brody and felt a boost of confidence when I stopped in front of Jesse. He didn't even look up.

"There's no need for you to bring me to the train station. I'm well capable of finding the way on my own."

My view was drifting back to the room entrance again and Brody gave me an encouraging smile. I nodded. In the meanwhile Jesse had raised his view and started watching me in astonishment.

I gave him a small smile. "Have a good life, Jesse."

I turned around and made my way back to Brody.

"Where are you going?" Jesse asked and I imagined to hear something like panic in his voice.

I didn't need to answer his question. But I wasn't going to leave without an explanation like him.

"Some dreams don't come true."

I didn't look back.

When I left the Round Room behind I immediately set for a hugging Brody. "Thank you again." He nodded. Brody was accompanying me to Ms. Tibideaux and since I had explained him everything he was welcomed to stay with me at the teacher conference.

"Promise me that you keep an eye on him."

"I don't know if I want to."

I nodded. "I won't judge you."

We stopped right in front of the staff room.

"Are you ready?" Brody asked.

I took a deep breath and nodded. With that we entered the room and took place in front of Ms. Tibideaux and the others. For a short moment I felt intimidated but Brody's presence calmed me down.

"Well, Ms. Berry. May we watch what Mr. St. James has prepared for today?"

I nodded and the corners of her mouth twitched.

Somebody darkened the light and a live stream of the Round Room appeared on the opposite wall of the overhead projector. I heard the teachers talking about Jesse and felt Ms. July's eyes on me. Brody grabbed my hand and squeezed it lightly and I gave him a thankful smile before the show began.

I didn't even need to watch the reaction of the faculty when I watched every single performance. I just knew who would make it and who wasn't. Sometimes they were only small mistakes but they ruined the whole song and I was feeling sympathy for the ones who performed and failed like I had.

Mr. Harris was looking in the camera before he called Jesse's name. He needed a moment before he got up and his pale face made me nervous. If he was failing now everything would have been for nothing. When he was sitting down on the piano I closed my eyes and sent up a prayer.

It wasn't necessary.

When he hit the first keys I felt myself smiling. It was beautiful. And then, when he quietly started to sing, I knew that his life was going to change for good.

**Nothing goes as planned  
Everything will break  
People say goodbye  
In their own special way  
All that you rely on  
And all that you could fake  
Will leave you in the morning  
Come find you in the day**

Listening to him after two years made me fill with so much joy that I couldn't help myself to close my eyes again to enjoy every single second of it.

**Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out**

„I actually can't believe that you have done this for him, Schwimmer."

I peeked through an eye and gave Ms. July a small smile.

„I think I misjudged you, Rachel."

**Everything will change_  
Nothing stays the same  
Nobody is perfect  
Oh, but everyone is to blame  
All that you rely on  
And all that you can save  
Will leave you in the morning  
Will find you in the day_**

I saw Jesse and me together on stage at Regionals, singing excactly this song in front of hundreds of people, the night he had broken my heart and right before he had disappeared to Los Angeles. How our voices had perfectly harmonized and the moment where we were annouced first place. It was perfect.

_**Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste, at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out**_

Jesse couldn't have chosen a better song for a comeback.

_**No I cannot get you out  
No I cannot get you out  
Oh no, I cannot get you out  
No I cannot get you out**_

* * *

_A/N: To those who reviewed: thank you really much! (Once I find out where these reviews went I'll print them out or something.) I love you, guys!_

_2-3 chapters to go._

**January 4, 2016.**

_Andrew Belle "In My Veins"_


	17. Chapter Seventeen

** In My Veins**

_Chapter Seventeen  
_

Rehearsals were on full mode again. We were practicing like never before and everyone let out a sigh of relief when Shelby ended the rehearsal with a satisfied smile. They all hurried to leave and I rolled my eyes at Isaac when I noticed their childish behavior. To me it seemed funny that they were still intimidated by Shelby after all these years.

Isaac laughed and pulled me into a hug. My feet were leaving the ground as he lifted me up and swirled me around just like in our choreography. "We are going to win this," he whispered into my ear.

I smiled. Isaac had been nothing but nice to me since I had returned from New York and he had never pushed me to find out what happened. I knew that he was curious but I hadn't plucked up the courage to tell him what had gone wrong again. He had just accepted it the way it was and I was thankful for the time he was giving me to open up to him.

Isaac let be back down on my feet again and I punched him on the arm. He let out a short wince of pain. I titled my head at him and grinned. "I think you might be right about this one."

Isaac quirked a brow and chuckled. We finished packing our bags and made our way to the parking lot. Isaac's Range Rover opened and we climbed in.

It was a peaceful silence between us. The radio music was quietly playing in the background and my memory drifted back to a similar situation not long ago.

I saw Jesse sitting across from me and all the good events at our trip started flashing in front of my eyes. It weren't many but the one that mattered most was the moment in which Jesse had been accepted into NYADA. It somehow was a tragic but yet beautiful memory that always pulled a lot of weight from my chest. I liked to remember the feeling of relief and that everything was going into the right direction for him.

"Have you yet decided which college you will eventually choose?"

I shook my head. I already had several offers but they all didn't seem quite right for me.

Isaac clicked his tongue. "Well, you have to come with me then. I know the NYU isn't NYADA but they have one important thing in common: they are both in New York. And you know what that means? BROADWAY."

Isaac stopped the car in front of his house and stopped the engine. He threw me an curious glance and I forced a smile on my face. How could I tell him now that Broadway was going to be a dream unlived?

I unbuckled my seat belt and followed Isaac into his house. He threw his bag in a corner before grabbing the phone and ordering a pizza for us. I shook my head with a smile on my lips and walked into the living room. The movies Isaac had placed on the table made me smile even bigger and I went to place _Tangled _into the DVD player. It was my favorite Disney movie and it never failed to make me laugh even when I wasn't in the mood.

It didn't take long until the door bell rung and Isaac paid for our pizza. He pushed the pizza carton in my hands before he disappeared into the kitchen and returned with two bottles of water again.

I didn't know how it was even possible to get a vegan pizza in Akron but its smell was delicious.

Isaac grabbed himself a piece and we started the movie.

_This is the story of how I died.  
But don't worry, this is actually a very fun story and it isn't even mine._

I giggled. How could someone not love Eugene's humor?

I noticed the glance Isaac was throwing at me and sighed. I pressed pause and looked him in the eyes.

"Jesse called me yesterday."

I nodded slowly. Isaac studied my face and I couldn't help myself to look away. I was shortly starting to panic but then I decided to take a deep breath. Maybe now was finally the right time to confront him with my lies and even though I was afraid of his reaction I knew I could rely on him and he would understand.

"He told me this funny story of how he got an acceptance letter from NYADA and I can't stop myself from wondering how that was even possible when he didn't even apply."

He shot me a knowing look and I grimaced.

"Why do I have this feeling that this is your credit?"

"Well, I-" didn't know what to say.

Isaac sighed. "You know I always knew that you two had this special connection. I'm not stupid, Rachel. I saw how shattered you were after Jesse went to Los Angeles and I have a such a bad conscience for not telling you the whole story behind it back then. It still eats me up when I see you two and how difficult- if not messed up- your relationship has become. I feel like this is my fault- that I made the decision for both you and him to exclude you from all this and I just don't know how to make it right." He took a deep breath and smiled sadly. "I don't even need to know what happened between you in New York but what I do know is that you wouldn't have done this for him if you didn't love him. You always have."

Isaac was giving me an encouraging smile. The tears that I had hardly tried to hold back started to roll down on my face and I let out a hysterical laugh. Isaac knew me better than anyone else.

"I'm so sorry, Isaac. I knew that something had to be wrong when Jesse kissed me the day before my audition." Isaac's eyes widened for a moment. "I called Andrea and when she told me about your mom and I choked at my NYADA audition all I could think about was how bad Jesse must have felt about the decision he had to make. He didn't deserve this. And I was so embarrassed after my audition that I never wanted to experience such a humiliation again. Then Jesse showed up at my doorsteps and I developed this idea of getting him into NYADA. If I wasn't going there I at least needed to make it possible for him. I'm so sorry that I used your plan- and every effort you made for me- for getting him into NYADA. But I'm actually glad that I did. He got a second chance and I couldn't be happier for him. He deserves it so much. You should have heard him sing."

"And you deserve it, too, Rachel." Isaac pulled me into a hug and stroked my back. His comforting gesture made me clinging on to him. My tears were soaking his shirt but he didn't seem to mind. I was sobbing hard as the memories of our trip came back flooding into my mind. Jesse's abrupt change of mood and his decision to leave after I revealed my feelings to him. My conversation with Mrs. Tibideaux and the loss of hope. Jesse's return and repellent behavior. Brody.

If it wasn't for him and Isaac I wouldn't have survived the past weeks. And Isaac deserved the whole story. I opened my mouth and started from the beginning.

_This is the story of how I died. _

* * *

**January 31, 2016. **


	18. Chapter Eighteen

_N._

* * *

**In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Eighteen_

I stood in front of the mirror in my room and was smoothing down the blue dress I was wearing for our Nationals performance when the door bell rung. With a loud shout I told Isaac to wait. I heard his chuckle when he entered the house and took a last look at my reflection before I grabbed my purse and left the room with a smile and made my way downstairs.

Isaac was waiting at the end of the stairs, leaning against the banister with a nervous smile. It reminded me of the time Isaac had forced me to go to junior prom with him and my smile grew bigger.

He wore black cloth trousers, a blue shirt and matching tie. He threw a glance across the room before he set his eyes back on me. I furrowed my brows before I took the last few steps and we hugged. "Jesse's here," he whispered in my hair before he pulled back. I nodded and smiled broadly pretending that these news weren't irritating me. I grabbed my jacket and Isaac motioned to the living room.

Jesse was patiently sitting on the couch and folding his hands together. I took a deep breath and when he saw that I entered the room, he rose to his feet.

"It's good to see you again, Rachel."

I suppressed a laugh. I couldn't remember when we had agreed on lying to each other bluntly in the face but even then I couldn't care less. This was my day and he wasn't going to ruin it.

"Jesse. What are you doing here?"

Isaac flinched. "Be nice," he muttered under his breath.

"It's all right." Jesse shrugged. "I guess I deserve that."

I pressed my lips together trying hardly not to respond in any way.

"I wanted to see your last National performance." When he noticed the changing expression on my face he quickly corrected himself. "Isaac's last National performance."

I nodded and slipped into my jacket. "Fine. Let's go."

Jesse quickly disappeared through he door. Before Isaac was able to follow him I grabbed him by his arm and held him back.

"I don't know what you've told him but-"

"I didn't tell him anything, I swear. If he suspect something it hasn't anything to do with me. Even I think that he doesn't need to know about everything." Isaac placed his hands on my shoulders and gave me an encouraging smile. I nodded and blew out a breath of relief.

"I believe you. It's just that his attendance confuses me and I don't know what to think. I really want to win Nationals and the last time your brother suddenly appeared things haven't exactly turned great for me."

"Well this time he at least didn't kiss you."

I threw him a dirty look. "You're not helping."

Isaac nodded with a sly grin. "Just don't think about anything at all on stage. Enjoy this moment and do what you do best. Don't worry about Jesse. He'll behave."

"Can you guarantee that?" I asked, my brows raised.

"Well, since he's older than me and doesn't need to do what I tell him I would say no..." He gave me an awkward smile.

"Great," I replied dryly.

"Come on," Isaac said and grabbed me by my arm. "He won't bite," he added before he lead me out of the house and towards the Range Rover that was parked in front it.

Jesse was sitting at the driver's seat and clenching his hands around the steering wheel. He seemed annoyed that we'd let him wait but when he saw that we were finally making our way over to the car he tried to give us a smile through the window. It was the first time I saw a poor show face on him.

When I got in the car I slid onto the middle seat of the rear bench. I buckled my seatbelt and leaned back. Taking a deep breath the smell of leather and a faint scent of cologne hit my nose. I inhaled the familiar smell and was immediately thrown back into a different time.

I didn't know that Jesse had kept the car but it seemed like he couldn't let go of the past as easily as he had pretended. It was a good thing that he was able to start over at NYADA and he could move on now. He turned on the engine and radio music started to fill the car.

Isaac turned his head and gave me a wink from the passenger seat. I shook my head laughing and felt Jesse's eyes on me. He was looking at me through the rear-view mirror.

Y_ou're too proud to say that you've made a mistake  
You're a coward 'til the end_

I knew I was going to touch a dangerous topic but I didn't want him to look at me this way. The bad conscience was written all over his face. He felt guilty because he had gotten a spot- my alleged spot at NYADA after joining me at my visit in New York. He possibly didn't know anything about my arrangements but his the look on his face was inappropriate after all what he'd done.

I gave Jesse a smile. "So Isaac told me you've got accepted at NYADA. Congratulations."

Jesse swallowed. "Rachel, I-"

I shook my head. "I'm serious. I heard you sing and you deserve it. I'm just glad you got the spot and not someone whose singing lacked emotional depth." A giggle escaped my lips. "But that was an incredible performance you gave there. I almost couldn't believe that you haven't sung in two years."

Jesse cleared his throat. "Well, thank you."

I nodded. He didn't seem like he wanted to get deeper into the topic and I wasn't prepared for any kind of confrontation this could lead into right before we had to perform at Nationals. Maybe he knew that and tried to support the team with his odd behavior.

"Two talented brothers. The one's heading to one of the best colleges for performing arts and the other's becoming a songwriter." I sighed. "You make me sick."

Isaac laughed and Jesse actually chuckled.

"Did Isaac tell you that he's written the ballad for Nationals?"

Jesse nodded. "I remember him saying something about it."

The glance Isaac was throwing at his brother made me worry. Wasn't Jesse the great brother I had claimed him to be before? Had he only talked about himself when they had spoken over the phone to each other? My heart ached at the sight of the depressed expression on Isaac's face.

_I just want it to be perfect  
To believe it's all been worth the fight_

The tension in the car could be cut with a knife and I couldn't stand it because Jesse and Isaac were an unit. Bound to support each other until the end even if they were having differences. They have been making me believe that bonds like theirs existed and I didn't want to see it vanish. I wouldn't be able to take that too.

_Lovers  
Into friends  
Move on  
To strangers_

"Well, your little brother has done an excellent job." I ruffled Isaac's hair. He smiled dryly. "And that's coming from me. You should know what that means, Jess," I teased. "But it's just perfect in every single way."

"Is it?" Jesse asked in surprise.

Isaac shook his head in modesty. "I think she's pushing it a bit."

_You're out of your  
You're out of your  
You're out of your mind_

I gasped. "Don't you ever dare to say something like that again. You've written something beautiful and I wouldn't want to sing any other song for our last performance."

Isaac smiled sadly.

"I expect you to tell him the same later," I told Jesse.

"Of course," he replied with a chuckle. I could see something like pride in his eyes and quickly dismissed the thought that Jesse could be anything but a good brother.

I smiled. It wasn't only that I was excited for our last performance but the familiar situation was warming my chest and boosting my confidence. I was going to give more than my best to do justice to Isaac's ballad and to proof Jesse that Isaac has even been more than a replacement for him. I wanted to make both proud and I knew that there was no chance I was going to choke again.

Jesse drove on the parking lot of Carmel High and stopped the car on Vocal Adrenaline's reserved area.

"Well, this is it," I said in excitement.

Isaac let out a long breath. We were locking eyes for a moment and I gave him an encouraging smile. He pressed his eyes together before he nodded and we slid out of our seats. Jesse pressed a button on the car keys and the car closed with a red light on the headlamps.

I scanned our surroundings and took a look at my phone. The competition was going to start soon and we needed to hurry if we didn't want Shelby to lose it. I procured lead as I hurried towards the school building and called the boys to follow, gesturing wildly. Isaac rolled his eyes and Jesse's lip twitched a little.

I felt the sun on my face and closed my eyes for a moment, my head turned to heaven, enjoying the warmth on my face and sending up a last prayer. When the brothers arrived I took a last look around the schoolyard, admiring the color of the grass and the blooming plants. Some students were laughing a few feet away and I felt something in my chest flutter.

**These walls and all these picture frames  
Every name they show  
These halls I've walked a thousand times  
Heartbreaks and valentines, friends of mine all know  
I look at everything I was  
And everything I ever loved  
And I can see how much I've grown **

Isaac put his arm around my shoulder and guided me to the entrance. Jesse had vanished from my side and I turned my head around searching for his dark curls. I found him gazing into space and stopped in amazement of the ease he radiated. Jesse opened his eyes and they were bluer than I had ever seen them before when they met mine. I could see that he pulled himself together and then he was only a few feet away and closing almost every distance between us. He addressed his brother.

"Could I talk to Rachel for a moment?"

Isaac scruntinized his brother and nodded. I watched him in confusion when he disappeared and looked at Jesse questioningly. He fiddled with his hands and avoided eye contact.

I laughed nervously. "Jesse?"

He stiffened. Blood was leaving his face and it soon resembled the white color of his shirt. He started fiddling with his black tie and I grabbed his hand in an instinct. His eyes were the color of a dark blue sky and matching the sports jacket he was wearing above. He stared at me and blinked before he suddenly pulled his hands out of mine. I saw that he needed a moment and shortly glanced at the clock on my phone.

"I need to apologize," he finally said. "Again."

"I don't understand..."

He laughed dryly. "How could you? I mean after all the lies I've told and..." His voice was just above a whisper. "I'm so sorry, Rachel. You have no idea how sorry I am for all the things I have said and done to you. You didn't deserve any of this. You must believe me that I never intended to hurt you and I need to explain you so much-"

"Jesse," I said gently. "It's okay."

He shook his head in desperation. "It's not."

"You don't owe me anything."

He said something but the school bell rang out and the presenter announced that the competition was shortly starting.

I was watching Jesse in worry and did the only thing I could think of in order to calm him. I pulled him into a hug. He froze. "It's okay, Jesse." I stroked his back and slowly felt him relaxing. His shoulders sunk down. I closed my eyes, inhaling his infatuating scent for a last time before kissing him on the cheek and stepping back.

**I'm not afraid of moving on and letting go  
It's just so hard to say goodbye to what I know**

The school bell rang out again.

**This time no one's gonna say goodbye  
I keep you in this heart of mine **

**This time that we had, I will hold forever**

"Have a good life, Jesse. You deserve it."

I turned around and hurried to the choir room with tears in my eyes. Turninng around the first corner, I let out a sob. I caught a reflection of myself in one of the glass panels of the trophy cases before my view settled on a picture of Jesse and me. A hysterically laugh escaped my lips and I shook my head before continuing my way. Wiping the last tears away I entered the choir room and apologized for being late. Shelby let it go. My teammates were throwing me worried looks but I adjusted my show face for a last time in these rooms. Isaac grabbed my hand and squeezed it supportively.

**This old familiar place is  
Where every face is another part of me  
I played a different game then  
They called me a different name then  
I think of all the things I did and how I wish I knew what I know now  
I see how far I've come and what I got right  
When I was looking for that spotlight  
I was looking for myself  
Got over what I was afraid of  
I showed 'em all that I was made of  
More than trophies on a shelf  
For all the battles that we lost or might have won  
I never stopped believing in the words we sung, we sung **

The spotlight on stage seemed brighter this time. Maybe it was the last shiver of excitement that run through my veins before we settled on stage and opened the competition with our final performance. I spotted Jesse in the audience and took a deep breath. Isaac gave me a nod before he took place in front of the piano and hit the first note.

I started singing and a shiver went through the audience. My teammates were floating over the stage and I could see the audience was taking our performance in with sparkles in their eyes. Jesse's eyes were only directed at me. The judges nodded approvingly.

**This time no one's gonna say goodbye  
I keep you in this heart of mine **

**This time that we had, I will hold forever **

My eyes were drawn to him. It didn't even matter anymore why I was up on stage and if we were going to win. I forgot everything around me. All I wanted was nothing more than him looking at me like the way he did in the exactly this moment again.

_To think that I  
To think that I could keep you out of mine_

I took a breath and closed my eyes. I enjoyed the heat of the spotlight just like I had enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my face in front of the school. I could feel the presence of the others around me and smiled into the lyrics.

**I'm looking out from the crossroads  
I don't know how far away I will roll  
I take a breath, I close my eyes  
Your voice will carry me home  
I keep you in this heart of mine**

I realized that it was the first time I didn't worry about my future and that I would be able to take on everything that was going to come. I had my family. My friends. My eyes shot open and locked with a beautiful pair of blue eyes. Jesse smiled.

**This time I know it's never over  
No matter who or what I am  
I'll carry where we all began  
This time that we had, I will hold  
This time that we had, I will hold **

And I returned the smile.

**Forever  
Forever**

* * *

**April 2, 2016.**

_Marina and The Diamonds "Lies"_  
_Tove Lo "Out Of Mind" x3_  
_Lea Michele as Rachel Berry "This Time"_


	19. Chapter Nineteen

** In My Veins**

* * *

_Chapter Nineteen  
_

The graduation ceremony didn't take as long as I had expected. The students' names got called, they walked up the few stairs that lead to the stage in their blue gowns, received their diplomas and shook hands with the principle. They flipped the tassels of their caps from right to left and disappeared from the stage again, looking for another place to sit and wait.

Since I had still somehow managed to become class best, the list of graduates started with Z and ended with me, so that I was last to receive my diploma and able to hold the obligatory speech at the end of High School.

I watched Isaac as he made his way on stage and any other student I had or hadn't known in these four years of my life. It gave my stomach a funny feeling and the atmosphere was electrified. I could see the pride in the eyes of every family member and friend and it was a satisfaction to know that these people were heading their ways.

My former Vocal Adrenaline teammates had gotten some of the best college spots and scholarships and we were all pressured to sing our Nationals victory song for another time before we were separated by the paths our futures would lead us into.

When I heard my name, I walked up the few stairs that lead to the stage, received my High School diploma and shook hands with the principle. Before I was able to hold my speech, Mrs. Bugs introduced me with warm words. She gave me the microphone and for the first in a long time I didn't open my mouth to sing.

Maybe that was why I couldn't fully recall the words I had said afterward. I said something about our time and the things we had experienced together. The possibilities our life was now going to offer and the roads we were heading for. I remember well put anecdotes and laughter and the moment Vocal Adrenaline joined me on stage for a last time. How Isaac started playing the piano and I was melting in with my teammates because this wasn't about me for once. We were all in this together and tossing our caps in the air at the very end.

* * *

"We're so proud of you, darling," Hiram said and Leroy nodded eagerly. I slipped out of my academic gown and smiled at my fathers. "I just can't believe that you're leaving us already," Leroy added. "It just won't be the same without you."

I sighed. "I know Daddy but I just have to do this. We've already talked about this, remember? I can't stay here knowing that everything I want is in New York and wait another year until I get the opportunity to audition for Broadway. Maybe it was the wrong decision to turn down the college offers I got but it just wouldn't be the same somewhere else. And then I'll know if I still get a chance to shine or have to make new plans because I overestimated my artistic skills. This is the only way to find out."

"I know, honey." Leroy smiled sadly and grabbed Dad's hand for comfort. He squeezed it lightly. I turned around grabbing the last few things I needed and packing them into my handbag with tears in my eyes. My pink suitcase was already standing near the door and waiting to be taken on another trip to New York.

I slipped a denim jacket over my flowered dress and into a pair of comfortable sneakers. I took a last look into the mirror and adjusted my hair before I faced my dads again. Daddy was hardly trying to suppress tears leaving his eyes but a sob escaped his mouth. Dad was rubbing his back and nodding with pride in his eyes. He grabbed an envelope out of the inside of his sports coat and pressed it into my hands. When I opened it I found another congratulations card, a picture of us and a few bills of money. I already opened my mouth in protest but both men just pulled me into a hug.

We remained like this for about ten minutes not one of us daring to say good-bye until the sound of the door-bell eventually separated us. Leroy made his way to open the door and I grabbed my handbag, with Hiram carrying the suitcase behind me. It was the last time I expected to hear the creaking staircase in the next weeks and months and I took a last mental picture of my beloved home before I reached the hallway downstairs.

Dad made his way past me and pushed my suitcase into Isaac hands. He looked dumbfounded for a moment and tried to decipher the upset look in Hiram's face but I could only shrug my shoulders at his questioningly look. Dad patted him on the shoulder and accompanied Isaac to his car.

"So I guess this is it," Leroy said heavy-hearted. His shoulders were hanging down and he looked like a mess that was about to lose his daughter to another city. I took a step forward wanting to embrace him again but he took a step back. I looked surprised. "I really love you, Rachel, but I planned on staying strong today. And your Dad would rebuke me for making my last impression even unmanlier than I already did. It's just hard to see you grow up and follow your dreams without us, you know?"

"I know," I replied. "But you will always be the first to know if anything important happens and I'm not planning to exclude you from my life. You are the most important part in my life and this will never change, okay?"

Daddy nodded. I blew out a breath of relief and blinked the tears in my eyes away. If Daddy planned to stay strong I had to do the same. Hiram returned with my rather pale looking best friend and I shot my Dad a knowing look. I couldn't even imagine what he had threatened Isaac with but Isaac looked scared enough for a lifetime.

"Didn't I tell you to spare the poor boy from your threats, Hiram? He is going to watch out for Rachel and I'm glad she isn't going to be all alone by herself in the city."

Hiram murmured something and Daddy sent him an annoyed glare. He shook his head and mouthed an apology in my direction. I rolled my eyes and smiled. Isaac then grabbed the bag out of my hands and nodded towards the car. He gave me an encouraging smile and I nodded.

Leroy and Hiram were accompanying us towards the car before we were driving down the road and out of their sight. We all knew that this wasn't good-bye so it wasn't necessary to pretend like it was. When we were taking the next right, Isaac let out a sigh of relief.

"Sometime I actually wonder how it comes that Hiram is a vet and Leroy the lawyer. It should be the other way around if you'd ask me."

I considered his words for a moment and laughed. "Are you gonna tell me what he said?"

"Never," he answered with a chuckle.

"Can't be that bad if you are able to take it with humor."

Isaac shrugged. "Maybe it wasn't."

* * *

Our drive to New York was peaceful. I was leaning my head against the headrest of the passenger seat and the heat of the sun was warming my face through the opened window. I had my eyes closed, enjoying the warmth, and smiling every time another breeze was blowing through my hair.

We were listening to Take That and I was quietly singing along to my favorites_ Love Love,_ _Kidz _and_ The Flood._

**There's progress now  
Where there once was none,  
Where there once was none,  
Then everything came along**

What followed were endless hours of drifting off to sleep and waking up again only to take a few stops at gas stations to gas up or to take a break and eat.

I offered Isaac to take a spell at the wheel but he refused the offer and followed the road until we were seeing the high buildings and the sun was slowly disappearing behind the horizon. I took a look at my phone that read only a little after 9 PM and I calculated that the ride took us good eight hours including our breaks and the traffic we had gotten in.

Isaac passed the city limit with the car and took direction into the Big Apple itself. It was funny to watch how Isaac was slowly losing his temper with the other drivers and how he more than once swore under his breath. One man almost run a cyclist over and Isaac couldn't help himself but to honk the horn and gesture widely at his carelessness.

By the time we arrived at the building my parents had rented an apartment in it was just before 10. It was a little bit outside of the city but still close enough to get to NYU without any problem. There were various transport connections just in front of the door and I was getting excited of the perspective to test them all. The Range Rover had to stay in the garage for our time here and considering Isaac's behavior earlier it was most definitely the best option.

When we got off the car, we took our suitcases and left the rest in the car. It was too dark already and we were not going to move in at this time of day. Isaac guided the way into the building right into an elevator and pressed a button.

Jesse had been the person to view the apartment and every communication considering a rental agreement had run over him. Since it was supposed to be a surprise I had no idea what was going to expect me but in this case I trusted Jesse's judgement. My dads and Shelby had then shared the expenses for basic furniture and assigned a company to arrange them to their and hopefully my likes.

It felt like an eternity until the elevator stopped and Isaac pulled the grate up. But the wait had been worth it. I fell in love with it right away. It was big and beautiful and from what I could see my parents had done a good job at choosing furniture that fit my taste. I yawned. Sadly, I wasn't going to be able to admire it completely, since I felt like falling asleep any second. Isaac chuckled. I glared at him.

"Just laugh about me, I don't care. But before you decide to make a sarcastic remark, just remember that this is my apartment and the couch you are supposed to sleep on, which is by the way looking really comfortable, is mine and I can tell you to leave whenever I want if you don't guide me the way to my sleeping-place aka my new bed. Just saying," I finished with a shrug.

Isaac laughed and pointed with his finger to the other side of the room. "This way."

"Will be right back," I replied with a nod. But it didn't come so far. I fell asleep as soon as I changed my clothes and laid down. Only the next day I realized that Isaac had come to cover me with a blanket and smelled the delicious smell of coffee next door.

It made me smile widely to find Isaac in the kitchen making breakfast and being able to take an attentive look around my new place to live. It was even better than what I remembered from the night before. But now the food on the dining table was drawing my attention. I walked through the room and Isaac pushed a cup of coffee into my hands. I smiled thankfully.

It didn't take us long to eat everything up that had been placed in the fridge and we decided not only to move the rest of my belongings into the apartment but to pay visit to the next grocery store before we were going to furnish the room in his dorm. I disappeared into my room again and changed. I heard that Isaac opened the front door before he called my name.

"There's a letter for you."

I stuck my head through the door and furrowed my brows. "From whom?"

Isaac shrugged. "Without sender."

"It's probably only advertising material," I told him across the room. I grabbed my handbag and put some gloss on my lips while taking a last look in the mirror. I nodded and left the room. Isaac was waiting for me wearing a jeans jacket similar to mine and holding an envelope into my direction. "Here."

I studied it for a moment before shrugging and ripping it open. I didn't even read the first paragraph before my bag dropped out of my hand. Isaac's face read confusion and I knew that his expression only resembled mine.

Because this was an acceptance letter from NYADA.

And I couldn't make any sense out of it.

* * *

_A/N: Only the epilogue left..._  
_Thanks for your support. Hope you enjoyed._

**June 3, 2016. **

_Take That __"The Flood"_


End file.
